Warning... this prose is somewhat in progress, as are all of my entries... should I leave some thought and digress away, I will try to come back to get to it... like I was about to describe how I waved at Matt Damon and Ben Affleck and a woman whose name I have never known though she is a comedic actress who was on Saturday Night Live. I never do this, though I know live tv watches my reactions or whatever at times... they were waving and I waved back, something I never do... breaking that fourth wall. They freaked out and started suddenly talking among themselves all excited etc... those two men did not talk to each other for years, for reasons in the dark, classified world where people choose sides, for reasons of their own... or the influence of others, etc.... regardless, we are acquainted. The woman was the most excited of all when I waved, then I caught her on a live tv late night show that week, and I had said that week, perhaps for the first time, that I forgave people for what they did while in cults. Well, that is what she brought up, though of course they seldom use my name, but she brought up watching stuff on cults then said the line, People should be forgiven for what they do in cults. She was all delighted, as some get by my presence. Knowing she was on saturday night live, which is on the white supremist channel, she was probably involved.
I hope they do not fear that I am going to Tina Fey them. I was still too angry over what had happened, and worst almost came later, that I was not ready to forgive the people who were involved in some of the activities they did. She blurted out to me she had been up on the roof for me three times, and though I am not going to speculate on what this means, it meant a lot to her. But someone was trying to use me, and I had no clue what you people were doing. It pissed me off. But... I reacted badly when I saw her and a black gentleman who said he guessed he was there, hosting the show with fey, because she had said Nigger two years before. I got really pissed and started yelling at them, thinking they were asking me to decide her fate, which at that point I was feeling fairly murderous over what had happened, and had no idea if I could stop people from taking the retribution I would have, and later did, in that frame of mind. I asked them if they were trying to get me to decide her fate on live tv... to say I wanted her murdered....
The actors strike started the next day, to give this a timetable. I am no threat to anyone on this matter. How could I be such a hypocrite, I wonder.... but I had just never been able to understand back then, what I get now. I was involved in what I hope will never happen again.
So, now back to your irregularly scheduled blog entry, with this addendum at the very top, for a change.
I am told under my real name I am an international superstar, and I have seen my words have more effect than I could ever wish. I am told that am, and especially was, seen as a religious leader by others. A demi-God for awhile... Superman. The boy who grew wings. The guy who could control the weather, and has a long history of miracles on his list of reasons he must learn to accept the supernatual.
The Cult developed around me by the forces which tried to use me to gain control of the world, was one of the worst of the victimization of artists and others by this group. Things were done which outside of the rules of guerilla warfare, of the most brutal sort, and ... other things, which I enraged me when I heard about and was accused of being in control of.
The industrialists abandoned me when I did not allow myself to be bought, or seduced by a gorgeous actress who came to town for just that and the media let me know... I did not understand why they ignored Mary Ann, like she was beneath me... though for awhile, before the brainwashing, when I thought I was really going to get rich,, I wanted to marry Mary Ann in Amsterdam... I have heard her place in this a bit. If I heard more it might rip apart my love for her, or not... I have lines I did not cross, and I will never do so. I will never demonize people for about anything, though I may comment on their behavior if there is a reason to.... and there are too many real reasons for me to waste my time on the trivial. There are dark sides of humans they do not even know exist until they manifest.
People define themselves from a lot of sources, though they seldom if ever deconstruct where their self-c definitions come from. In therapy people often have to wash off what they can of their parents perceptions of them, for too many reasons to list, and then there are abusive spouses who damage one's positive self-definitions for various reasons centered around objectifying people, and trying to forces another person who they want them to be, not who they are.... violence enforced, like abusive spouses, is a well known use of this Objectification.
Cults are an extreme example. And sadly the one I have had experience with, not that I was knowingly part of a cult... now I do. The Cult of Personality, at the very least. . As a great song sang. And the cult of people who look at me religiously, some who use this to exploit others. Activities I have had no
control over, I believed, not part of until God and man made this so.
I said one night, the day or two before the start of the actor's strike, that I did not blame people for things they did while under the control of cults. That morning before, I had done something I never do, some talk show was having matt damon and affleck on and they looked into the camera and waved and I waved back, which seemed to freak them out, and they began excitedly talking to one another. About the same time I did this to a hispanic actor, comedian, who name goes running from my mind, so I will edit this later and get it. Sorry... I can see him as the mechanic, in John Wick, who slaps the big mafia bosses face.... Again, a talk show, I waved at him and he suddenly sat up and waved back to me, laughing, surprised I was doing more than sitting back ignoring the Fourth Wall.
I used to talk to the tv and the reporter's heard and reacted, like the Olympics', when a newscaster, was told to bring up some political hot potato before introducing every event. I yelled something to him about just wanting to see the sports, I think... cannot really remember, other than being angry. My apologies to you sir, for being so angry in our exchange, and any distress this caused you. After I did this the other reporter, local, from the hosting country, China brilliantly added, "Yes, the people have been so stressed by Covid, they need something to make them feel better." I can't remember, though when I first thought of her, my mind played a tape of her looking at him, saying in a gentle, concerned voice, and saying her one sentence addition to my rant. All Class. After that they just let the games began, which was very important to me, and my behavior during that was crazy to me.
I do not feel at all like that person. I was in a dream. I wanted world peace, and I also like sports, and had not been able to watch any for years. My partner does not want to watch any sports, so like most things not related to being a writer, work, or women, I cut it out. I had always been able to access live sports all the time, with a softball field down the street, and mostly empty bleachers I could watch all summer growing up. Same field we played on, which one summer I did a lot of. I was not good at sports, for the most part. My being this cute baby in the neighborhood who got sick and became paralyzed... in the hospital a year then. Now, this was a beat everyone smaller up hood. But I had mondo protection, from everyone because of this. They were told by my mom that I could not play sports, and so we did other things, while the skills developed in other kid... and they were protective, especially my friends... who the last time I saw them, in Garrett, years after they moved away, and were in Fort Wayne then.
I was standing at a drinking fountain, on the corner of the park, which was one third softball diamond, then trees, , open areas, a path that cut a path to the sidewalk that took the only way, because of the railroad tracks, to get to the Southside of our town, etc... They were in a convertible, beat up thing, and were right there, dropping some hitchhiker off, after seeing him in Fort Wayne, hitching, and said they would drive him. I talked with him after, and he told me Wow, that ride was a trip.... they were drinking, and grabbing their moms tits and shit.. I yelled at them, but they were in their own world, and though they could for sure hear me, they ignored me... though in my memories they live strong and heroic and other things. Abused and other things.
My family lived two doors down from the Woodcocks, who had like four boys, all who knew me from baby up and their mom just loved me, and used to put make up on me, wig... I do not know why... I thought it was great fun to go to the softball diamond, right across a small road from them, close enough their living room got smashed occasionally by foul balls... looked right out on the diamond. I mean, the house and the fence, about 30 feet, around when the batter was, to try to stop balls from getting out of the park. My dad saw me once dressed like this, and put a stop to it. I wanted him to see this and ran up to him and aid, Look Dad, I am a girl... it is funny to think of.
Funny, I was totally the Jock guy in our small town, got my great jacket with my letter... which I lost. We were young though, fifteen, and everyone liked everyone... pretty much, except for a few who had took off into their own path, or were kept home, like David Gilbert, who Never came to the football games with George Fuentes and I. High School. The highlight of the evening. Then when I was old enough, I was on the bus with the teams, going all over to schools in Indiana. The cheerleaders rode with us, all my friends. I was the fat guy who was funny, not dateable.
I thought I had one thing figured out for awhile, Kingship. I seemed to have people on my side, sane I thought, who were coming together. I thank them and all the groups that fought for issues I brought to their attention, and was in a position to serve God, and ask others to as well. I feel a terrible mournfulness for those who fought for some public perception of me, which I was astounded by over and over... though I was at war, I thought, with almost all of humanity... I never would have thought people would leap from buildings....
When they did... my God, it was right at the beginning, when the people who I was supposed to lead in a revolution, by going to Wrigley Field that day... they were waiting for us and I let a comment by Jimmy stop me from being welcomed. I think back on that moment. When I heard Lynn Bramer say I should go I think.. Jimmy stopped me from going.... he said to me, At least we got Little Bush, after Bush had killed these people and I saved him and they wanted me to be his friend.... Well, my politics are different than his and I was not going to let him say otherwise. The me now, would have worked with him. I was too angry at the world, bewildered, brainwashed... I still have a place in my heart for him. I saved the country.
He just happened to be the politician in charge when someone decided to do this.
They did not expect me to write attack, now, give them no warning, don't take any prisoners. Started a revolution in a deep trance state, and righteous anger at how I was being treated. I said something really stupid, many times, and would not go along with using Jesus to start a hell on earth, a one world government, with me as the jailed puppet called the leader.... because my man words, like the Bible, can be taken a lot of ways. Read my comedy, I am an atheist in that book. I put it beside Waking Up Jesus, and know that the changes seem more profound than they were. I have always had the same ethical framework... university sophisticated this, giving me thousands of words for what was just natural to me, usually, though lying was an exception... a flaw in the system that proved to be essential to my mission.
I always hated myself when I lied. It was like, here I am this good guy who does good guy things, most of the time, going out of my way to help people move, or whatever, even if I did not or barely knew them... I used this badly here. I felt this was a tool in my arsenal at times, propaganda. I do not think I have to lie much anymore. I think back, to how I removed my armor, one piece at a time, until I was no longer, I pray, leading groups that were threats to Democracy. I do not care how it sounds, I feel a sacred duty to help my country, and I am also worried as hell what could happen if we got a leader who went all North Korea on the USA. That is Trump's dream, complete with a Purge, and punishing people, probably shatter social security, medicare, the IRS, the FBI, etc... the unions, the working class, crippled old me will be left to the kindness of strangers, or my wife's paycheck.
God only knows what they will do. If I were a King hidden in a normal life, talking to my subjects, I would tell them that I cannot issue demands on anyone, give orders. Advise, represent, lead into battle, if need be. I think were in my powers once. I pray this was another of your lies, that this is your jail, keeping my thoughts far from the truth so they are worthless. Keeping my mind in a lie... though I can't dare live like that, because it may be true, and I cannot risk being wrong again on this front, nor can I allow the possible help to the poor and in need that I can generate to just be given up on... No, I will advocate for important issues all of my life, though I do not think that I necessarily will have an effect, I have to try.
But, I believe we must advocate for our rights peacefully, show the truth of our movement all over world, the Starbucks red cup day protest, UAW... The death of the Unions will be death of us all.... I wrote and those more intelligent and connected, good people who I personally never had the pleasure of getting to know, took this to heart and began helping them clean up their act, and get going again... The color does not matter to me. Orange is associated with me, but also Rump, which I thought today some might take as some weird code... and who cares, if like so much I write about, it does not happen. I write the afterwards, the one who comments on what the media says... letting their opinions pretty much be my own, on one channel, on another the exact opposite. Journalists are forced now to acknowledge there is a serious ideological war going on in the USA, and they need to do their small part to help. This led to hyper liberal or fox, on the us news. I do miss MSNBC... Rachel Maddow, I am sorry I put you in an impossible position, though I am honored you tried... sometimes that is all you can do, though this is nothing to lose your life or loved ones or whatever over.
I said come to me and the highways crammed up. I realized my mistake, and said we would have to do this on line. You decided it had to be done with cameras watching me.
Whenever people worked with me I assumed it was because they felt the same way. I learned later you all lie all the time, try to hide your racism and anti-semitism and every xenophobic absurdity there is. Until one understands that all humans are equal, you are not wise. You have a phobia. I can see right through you. You think you exist but you do not. Just a ghostly symptom of a disease, that no one told you was a disease.
I think of the temptations I have now, that I turned it down or God intervened to stop... I speak of during the last 17 years or so, since the brainwashing... Like when they said, after I declared attack, that Chicago had taken over the world.
What the fuck are they talking about is what I was thinking half the time... I had written words that I had no clue were meant to start a movement... triggered by God only knows how many brainwashing sessions.
When you offered me to be ruler of the world.... Bush, I feel love for you when I think you wanted to order me this cape, and etcetera. You know or knew who you are dealing with. I can see why one's opinion would fluctuation, to say the very least. I felt a furious repulsion, truly, truly ... when offered the world.....felt like Christ being offered the earth. A temptation that I did not think possible, and later, proven by your weird behavior toward me to be, could not see how I had any power. The Lust in particular. Now that I have censored that part of my thinking to DE objectify women. I do not know how God works, though I do know I am growing still. Took me too long to get to where I am to go back... I am God's servant now.
We are the world's last hope. The humans alive now, if it is not too late, will determine whether this planet burns or not. I know the future that is coming is not being prepared for. All these supposed solutions to the greenhouse effect are not going to stop the hell on earth that is coming. It is too late to stop the ocean from heating up, acidifying, dying... flooding all over the planet. Who is preparing for this... I can only assume people going underground in government facilities. I do not in anyway think people should try to build shelters for this period, etc. I believe world wide, and collectively, all humanitarians must understand, we are going to face a lot worse if the countries of the planet end up fighting for the last resources at the end, or going deep into bomb shelters and leaving the rest of us to our own bidding.
Is there anyone far thinking enough in politics to even begin to think of these matters, when half are shysters who deny 'climate change' to get the coal companies to donate to them. They all know Big Oil will kill them if they get messed with, since they are under the CIA and the militaries protection.... hell, Rump even took a billion dollars to send soldiers to Saudi Arabia to protect their oil fields. Sold as mercenaries.
The definitions one applies to oneself often make up the public persona one tries to project, and have Nothing to do with who we really are, when we are alone, unwatched, seemingly the mental King of that moment. When people do the unseen. The Unseen ranges from the mundane to murder. Sarte wrote that he disappeared the moment his lover looked upon him, became someone else. And psychology shows humans make social adjustments every time a new person is introduced into the environment, to welcome or scorn them or.... look it up. Old shit to guys like me, that forget way too often that it took a lot of years of school and life and intelligence work and deaths in a war I did not want or start... though I felt compelled to end... and other things, like having the only true brother left, putting down like a dog when the time came to discard the god of a million masks -- masks you made up for me. I am not some god with all these different names, though I serve one who is. To me. Neither God nor myself cares if others join me in my belief. They will have a relationship with God whether they deny God or not... so it just none of my business. Trivial.
When I studied the philosophy of how defined we are by things other than what we think of as 'ourselves,' which will bey made up by other people unless you take control of it, that voice you think of as yourself... it grows frightening, to learn you are not this artistic iconoclastic writer who was going to be wildly famous... to learning the self I think of as me, barely exists. I am part of a collective consciousness, which once went from village to village, now chat room to chat room on the world wide net, where one can find any phobia they have enflamed... like the media does.
Right now, at the level of spirituality I am at, which I am not making a value judgement on, by any means, though I do seem to grow... I am unsure of how I fit into any society. I was asked once if I was purple or gray and had no clue why. No one told me shit about armies of the night, or who did what when I wrote how I really felt, or at times, to make you feel how I wanted you to feel... I looked indulgent so long... my criticisms have taught me a lot, and I am grateful for them.
In my present mood, I feel I once more wronged someone by criticizing Phoenix, who I honestly wish to love again, regardless of how he or anyone else on that infinite list feels about how they feel about me. I accept the hate in as the face of death. I accept hate as the instigator of bloody chaos, hellish scenes kept from me until I was brought forward as the fall guy. Never works. Not when you are filmed all the time, regardless of my just being one of those guys who does not like the 'feeling' of stealing. I do not like the 'feeling' I get breaking laws. I do not do so out of fear, except perhaps speeding and then certainly not always... well, never in the cab.
I am tempted by anger though I know it is the past echoing up...childish. An impulse that nurturing would be a sin, to my acceptance of my situation in life. I judge Phoenix again. He deserves no more criticism from me...
There are people who are truly despicable, and spats between celebrity personalities, as perhaps this is viewed, or open war out there in your world... it is so beside the point and being mad at the character someone played, is stupid. I joked about Bush having actors he hated so much, for their evil roles, he had them taken out. I suppose you read that. I would never in a fucking million years really want that though I sure as hell accept it... if it happens. I will stop such things if I can, though Understand well I am still too ignorant to declare Peace with this world.
I am under attack still, so I have to keep fighting. Others are under attack so I have to help them fight off their oppressor's. I have to learn again to write without the metaphor's of war, dividing and conquering all of us in a language trap, a frame of mind... that allows governments to use war as a means of making money in the Military Industrial Complex. The huge and mighty with endless dollars to spend on politicians, and thugs to back up what they can't buy.
This money needs to be diverted to environmental preparations for a disaster of a proportion most will deny out of pure Flight or Fight, when it comes to the dying earth. Most choose flight, those who fight are beaten down pretty quick. The fight is over, the war lost, between environmentalists, and industrialists... long ago, they have the money, the guns, the immunity from governmental prosecution, BP, and the others not so quite royally stated...
The governments, democracies, can do this. Preserving them is my mission. Preserving Democracy, however tattered at the moments, from ever having chains reaching down from any central power. No fascists. The people will get very serious about their voting when they realize we need federal governments in times of unthinkable disasters heading down our way, from the future...
