Found all these characters I could play in fiction.
Using first person.
Making fun of the untrustworthy narrator; me.
I thought the fiction was obvious
I advertised a radio show in a mania.
Intent of arriving with a bang.
Starting a movement that would have a huge following,
I was ignorant I would have opposition,
Let alone the law for an ally.
Though I had never had a problem other than weed
which was mental stress,
which never amounted to anything
because of the color of my skin
I was not assumed to be a criminal.
And a lot of other signs the police saw.
There was no having to prove I was one of the good ones.
There was no record because the war on drugs jailed blacks,
when they just as well could have gotten
possession charges on more whites we knew.
Old knowledge to some,
Others see more criminality in a skin tone.
I have been both stereotyped as angel and demon.
A Godling my metaphors read.
I was not humble enough before the vastness
surrounding this tiny bit of mind out in the middle of cosmic nowhere
or everywhere?
The delusions of man brainwashed into my romantic,
Overly scientific mind;
I stereotyped religious people as the southern Baptist fanatics.
I had never actually met in person.
Church people seemed kind to me.
I had no overtly preached reason to be sent to hell.
I never believed such things about gay people or drinkers or...
I have aspired to be a non-violent man.
All the fights in my youth gave me a confidence
that needed no proving to myself.
Trust in God meant
Rushing in and saving people,
Stopping a crime where I would have let the guy go,
But he was a drunk kid.
Got off.
Saw him in court looking miserable,
Hope he learned a lesson about booze and himself.
I looked at the TV and said I love you.
To ALL CHILDREN,
NONE WHOM I COULD EVER HATE.
Nor could I hate your parents though if they hurt you...
I would save you if I could.
TO TELL ANY HUMAN GOD HATES THEM IS HERETICAL!
You do not speak TO OR FOR GOD.
What was done to children reminded me of being molested.
I have never described it to another human being except vaguely.
Do not think because I criticize something about your parents
means I hate them either.
I told them no matter what color or country or...
I love them.
I mean these words.
I FELT THESE WORDS
still do in a place not so desperate and pleading
for you to know I am on your side.
“The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality.”
― I AM trying to work for the good of the all.
Which includes those who think they are my natural enemies.
I do not want anyone thinking we are enemies.
We have issues.
I want groups to discover we are all on the same iceberg
Trying to fight fire with fire as it shrinks everyday
from our endless wars.
The iceberg is so crowded
People around the edges lose their precarious spots
Once safe in the center of the herd,
their climate denial not stopping the loss of their land.
Melted away,
Each inch lost pushes people off the packed isle of ice into harsh cold seas
Where thirty feet of freezing waves
slaps the misery from them
leaving behind ...
a formless shapeless presence
From there guesses fill Cathedrals, Mosques, Store fronts, Cults in Utah
with lots of guns and heads filled with wanting
the apocalyptical ending they preach of...
I think perhaps the creature will be
Baffled? Euphoric? Misery?
In my visions we are heading toward a tunnel out of here
from time and molecules and perhaps some
will fly to the place I go to find solace.
The lights of the stars and planets are one side
The blankness on the other free of the distractions of planets and suns
ending in a vaguely undulating line,
Beyond which there is darkness without distractions.
No attachments
No gravity or whatever it is that draws souls into lives
for whatever reasons
A design by a creature unimaginable to us
And in our ignorance
A vacuum of religions
and scientific theories
filled in by shysters and saints.
They say go to the light... the light.
I go into a tunnel bypassing all of this and head to God
the Relief of having nothing to worry about again
yet still feeling
still knowing your fellow travelers
As one family developing cultures of stories to live within
What fit the laws of survival, commerce..,
When I seek comfort in my mind amidst thoughts attacking me
I pray as always for forgiveness from the sins that come to my mind.
Small and meaningless brushes with a fool to many,
to others a friend.
From my hometown move on I was
a weirdo.
Dropped on my head.
The usual prejudice against the fat kid.
Depression was not my natural state.
I had plenty of reason to grieve
More than some less than some.
The lot of the losers,
though I worked almost Forty years;
I do not judge others as harsh
As they judge me about some things,
others I do not care.
I apologize to Jim Carrey for making his personal life
A weapon that I used against him
Out of a burst of Anger
Damned up Rebukes,
exploding a life to painting in Hawaii so,
but still, a sermon from the Cardinal on the matter
Reminded me of my sins;
I cannot blame Barbara for any damage our relationship did
and I can.
But my life was planned and I never knew
Found out too late to get to know my grandfather
Anymore than he was a very kind presence
Gave us candy money in their tiny, tiny town.
I have been this formless, shapeless presence
three times in my life.
Once drug induced when I tried to kill myself
and died a few times.
The second spontaneous astral projection...
I needed scientific evidence,
And spending a year trying to astral project...
This happened during this period.
No other time.
I know my spirit can leave my body.
I met a lonely ghost in the woods.
Waiting for my brothers and I
Dave Gilbert.
The ghost story my brothers and I never discussed.
I have let one die without asking.
I should ask the other...
who felt he failed
Until he could lord his hundred thousand dollar house
over us.
I do not envy 40 years in a factory. I had more choices.
He was afraid, or never taught, I don't know?
I do not feel this is a race to the top.
We should start out even.
Tax the rich.
Before the anger repressed
explodes the USA
into a bloody horror.
Should the righteous rise to protect freedom
the gospels
ethics...
May God
give us peaceful solutions or
Let the martyrs lead us to Justice.
