The Early Years.... documented at the time in Waking Up Jesus, during the effects of the brain washing, drugs, the hypnosis, the media manipulation of my perceptions of what was happening in the world, and when my words were deadly as a metaphor in my mind, and against the monolithic enemy that could do this... show me there is an alternative world, and I am a prisoner there, for crimes I had nothing to do with, other than being misinterpreted in your minds into a villian. With good reason.
The ONLY thing you did not try to use to stop me was the truth, which would have. Let the light into the darkness and you see my miracles of peace manifest. Keep your blood in the dark, and you can for awhile, get enough rope, to reach all the way down to hell, where you can make a nice soft landing among other blow hard, fanatics of 'self-messiah-I - DUM', walking around Hell trying to tell lies and no one listening to anyone else, unless it is to get them to listen to them, and then they are thinking about what they will say while the others lips move..... I add this last bit, but my visions, after fasting for months, of Hell, on Good Friday, which is a trip into itself, all the 'co-incidences' that started me waking dreaming, which was not smoking pot, and others... allowed me to hear what was happening in the apartment and yet stay in the dream until I was ready to leave after a few hours of trying to talk to these people.
This replacement theory is the kind of march that I think I might have once been associated with, and at different times I have said one nice thing about small businesses and the Capitalists come out of the wood work screaming, HE IS ONE OF US... well, yes, that is the way I lived, and I would change quite a bit about it, but working for oneself is preferrable, but not at the expense of using others as objects, less important than the machinery. And unless we are going to try to break up big industry, which is a bit ridiculous to me, we need Unions to bring the profits to as many people as possible, and based on them being human. Jobs are found for those with mental handicaps all the time. Why not at Ford, getting fifty an hour or whatever they make....
Back to the beginning, and the ten years of just fighting with words, until I learned of the blood behind my words and backed off... trusting no one. I cannot describe the mindset I was in, believing their were no allies in this world, that I was hated. I had no clue an army awaited orders, or others were trying to make me into a stuff animal. I am a bloody reminder of how when you make mistakes, you fix them... and when in Rome, fight like a modern soldier and mow them down thru their shields... nothing against Rome, which I have pleasant relationships, I hope, among the progressives, and those the Pope is surrounding himself with to take over when he passes.
I was confused as hell. Sitting at my computer stoned on weed and pills, trying to figure out why I went from winning in some race I had no clue why or how I was in, with the tv messages all on my side, to the next moment hating me. I was still thinking I was fighting a losing war of words against some monolithic operation that had brain washed me for starters, and then had been treating me like Jesus one moment, then a fraud and a spreader of chaos the next.
I kept hearing about this FAMILY I WAS IN from people on TV WHO I HAD NEVER MET, nor did I know a damn thing about. They were the dogs, I guess. There are various pockets of them I believe, though to this day I am unsure of too much to do more than know I am not a dog, simply because they do not believe blacks and whites are even the same species -- they knew I liked EO WILSON'S writing, which directly contradicts this, and had him try to tell me that I would eventually choose the white side, because they were mostly like me. I had never consider there to be some split between humans because of color, despite running into both blacks and whites who expressed such views.
I suddenly at this point had control of this money, and I know where it came from, though I am not even sure I really knew at this point. I told them to just donate the money to charity, not realizing how much had been stolen or I might have asked them to give it back. I was not thinking very rational at the time, just doing recon on everyone around me. I had armed guards upstairs, during this period, who banged on my ceiling when I was supposed to pay special attention to something on tv, which was too bizarre.
I believe in a few passages from the bible, used to call them notes I left to myself amidst the shit kings and men who wished to be worshipped or paid for being shepherds, etc... one is that GOD BEFFUDLES SOME PEOPLE. This seemed to be happening to me, and part of what this did was make my decisions I made, which people took way more seriously than I knew. This is when TRUMP SHOWED UP ON MY FEED, SMIRKING LIKE SATAN HIMSELF, ASKING, 'GIVE THE MONEY TO CHARITY?' I guess he must have been profiting off of me. I hated him since the worship of the rich began in the eighties, after Reagan destroyed the country, being used by the racist facist industrialists to push thru a seventy percent tax cut, which resulted in taking the money of the working class and funneling it to the one percent, creating these right wing billionaires.
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For one, we needed to strike the right wing racists hard, and we needed to stop the revolutionaries who would have destroyed free will again. The period when people were making up all this shit about me, thinking everything I did was a sign from God to them, is one of those IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN moments I used to have, though now I trust God has a plan, and no He does not tell me about it because if he did I would feel like a murderer, and would probably not be able to do it. I could not do a premeditated murder. I can kill, and would if confronted, but this is not my way. I am a man of peace despite all appearances, though I am the most dangerous creature this earth has ever experienced, or will. THE SECOND most dangerous creature in existence, as far as I know. Oh, I forgot about the humans.. well, I am the 8 billionth something creature, no kind of threat compared to what humans have done to this earth.
I could not allow blacks to be murdered again, if it was in my power to do anything to stop it, and the tactics that I heard about that were being used, were exactly the ones I had criticized in my book. I hated the idea of child soldiers, and women being raped to death. I had slane sleep with a ten year old rather than describe the horrible deaths in operation phoenix in detail. I believed that one sentence was sickening enough. LATER, when I realized people believed I though little girls should be bred at such an age sickens me. These are babies to me, and like a good parent, I could no more sexualize them than I could an animal or a plant.
THE DESTRUCTION OF THE INNOCENT ENRAGES ME. What enrages me enrages my father. I do not know how to explain that He learns from me, and I learn from you, and he views you thru me. He is the TAO so to speak, most of him not even aware of what is happening, but he does adore me. I adore him. Forever we have been together, though we never had these words, or emotions until what I guess are technically proto humans. Or proto life.
I have described in detail how I explored forever my father, just moving through the darkness for no other reason than that I could. I did not think, I experienced. For reasons of his own he one day created this blue dot, and I immediately was attracted to it. I travelled some huge distance, which does not take any timme there, but it showed my interest I suppose, and was fascinated with this thing. It was alive, and this gave me first glimpse of life. He created more and they all fit together, then for reasons again I do not understand, he made some that did not fit.
I watched them and saw the square ones -- they were mishapenned in all sorts of ways, but they had sides, is the point. These things had to keep smashing into the others until eventually flicks of them drifted off and clung to the others, and they became circles. I then wanted to know them better and became one, or part of me did, and this was joyous at first, being part of something. I had never felt myself to be a part of God, just another creature, much smaller, and in awe of the huge being in the dark with me, who never moved. Then he created another one of the square creatures, and I learned it felt pain when it tried to join the others, did not fit, and parts of it smashed off. I felt pity for it, and used my power to smash the bits off instantly, so its pain would stop. Love, then pity, and a bit of anger that this process caused pain are the first things I can remember. THIS is when HE MOVED, and then there were planets everywhere, because there is no tie as you think of it, unless you count the becoming part, which is when we become circles, but to me it all happened at once. To the creatures on the planets it was a long drawn out time.
For me to experience this, I have to enter into beings and then there is time, and all the things associated with the creature. I had no desire to do this again after my experience with the blue circles, so to speak.. Though my love and pity suddenly was for everything around me. I did not want anything to feel pain, but is everywhere, part of his plan... I believe he is trying to make you like us. I am not sure, but this seems to be what he is doing. To become nothing and thoughtless and just exist takes a lot, evidently and seems not to be for everyone. Some of you end up in Hell. He showed me your hell, on Good Friday. He knows I am a scientific thinker, which is why you had to brainwash me into a Jesus, because it was meant to be, you were supposed to learn that things are done in God's time, not yours.
YOU MESSED WITH THE ADORED ONE, because he was quite taken with many love and pity, feeling these things for the first time. Love came from you and I enjoyed that immensely, pity not so much of course, and pain I despised, enough that anger was developed. Though the creatures hitting the others seem like they would have been angry, they felt a longing to belong, and were willing to endure the pain to get to be part of the others. Grit I guess you would call it, and this also I learned from you.
I was like a tabula rasa. I moved and that was about it. God I do not know, he probably knew all this was coming, but he keeps things from me, as I have told you, and the horror of my journey would have caused me pain twice, and he is not cruel. This is why down here, he gave me the cradle dreams of being myself, blank and really not even curious, as I used to describe me. I was content. Like in the beginning. Just content to exist.
We are repeating the same process over and over, which is why I act on sort of automatic when in human form. At least when my cover goes away. I always wore this world as a loose cloak, though at times it made me quite uncomfortable, obviously, but I always felt that I would be welcomed in heaven. There was a song the killers put out, when this first started and people thought I had been defeated, for reasons I still do not understand, where they talked about how I had ranthe world but ended up a street cleaner. They also said Saint Peter would not n his gates to me and I knew this. I likeed the song despite this, but thinking I had ran the world was so over the top to me. I just could not understand why no one would come to my aide... i wanted this so bad, for there to be good people, not nazi s and criminals trying to tempt me, one with morphin.... I was in a lot of pain, walking on the beach, when I was appoached by a decent seeming man, and we spoke a bit, then he told when I asked, that his dog was named belladonna, and that it was needed at times, which I did not take seriously. Like all the people who approached me, I would just let them speaky and then leave them with no answer to whatever.
I think some of this was denial, but there was always a part of me that thought this was just too damned crazy to talk about. This is... I mean, when they were still trying to tear me down, with good reason, they put out a movvie aboout three men who thought they were Jesus. I did not care to watch this, knowing it would piss me off. i did not feel like Jesus, just like me.
Now, to get back to what is happening now.... I am going to start another entry altogether.... because this one has ended up being too disoriented,, and more stuff I have already told ou.I
