i never got to apologize

       I long ago lost interest in myself.  

Found all these characters I could play in fiction.

Using first person.

Making fun of the untrustworthy narrator; me.

I thought the fiction was obvious

I advertised a radio show in a mania.

Intent of arriving with a bang.

Starting a movement that would have a huge following,

I was ignorant I would have opposition,

Let alone the law for an ally.

Though I had never had a problem other than weed

which was mental stress, 

which never amounted to anything

because of the color of my skin 

I was not assumed to be a criminal.

And a lot of other signs the police saw.

There was no having to prove I was one of the good ones.

There was no record because the war on drugs jailed blacks,

when they just as well could have gotten 

possession charges on more whites we knew.

Old knowledge to some,

Others see more criminality in a skin tone.

I have been both stereotyped as angel and demon.

A Godling my metaphors read.

I was not humble enough before the vastness

surrounding this tiny bit of mind out in the middle of cosmic nowhere

or everywhere?

The delusions of man brainwashed into my romantic,

Overly scientific mind;

I stereotyped religious people as the southern Baptist fanatics.

I had never actually met in person.

Church people seemed kind to me.

I had no overtly preached reason to be sent to hell.

I never believed such things about gay people or drinkers or...

I have aspired to be a non-violent man.

All the fights in my youth gave me a confidence

that needed no proving to myself.

Trust in God meant 

Rushing in and saving people,

Stopping a crime where I would have let the guy go,

But he was a drunk kid.

Got off.

Saw him in court looking miserable,

Hope he learned a lesson about booze and himself.

I looked at the TV and said I love you.

To ALL CHILDREN,

NONE WHOM I COULD EVER HATE.

Nor could I hate your parents though if they hurt you...

I would save you if I could.

TO TELL ANY HUMAN GOD HATES THEM IS HERETICAL!

You do not speak TO OR FOR GOD.

What was done to children reminded me of being molested.

I have never described it to another human being except vaguely.

Do not think because I criticize something about your parents

means I hate them either.

I told them no matter what color or country or...

I love them.

I mean these words.

I FELT THESE WORDS

still do in a place not so desperate and pleading

for you to know I am on your side.

“The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality.”

― James Baldwin

 I AM trying to work for the good of the all.

Which includes those who think they are my natural enemies.

I do not want anyone thinking we are enemies.

We have issues.

I want groups to discover we are all on the same iceberg

Trying to fight fire with fire as it shrinks everyday

from our endless wars.

The iceberg is so crowded

People around the edges lose their precarious spots

Once safe in the center of the herd,

their climate denial not stopping the loss of their land.

Melted away,

Each inch lost pushes people off the packed isle of ice into harsh cold seas

Where thirty feet of freezing waves

slaps the misery from them

leaving behind ...

a formless shapeless presence

From there guesses fill Cathedrals, Mosques, Store fronts, Cults in Utah 

with lots of guns and heads filled with wanting

the apocalyptical ending they preach of...

I think perhaps the creature will be 

Baffled?  Euphoric?  Misery?

In my visions we are heading toward a tunnel out of here

from time and molecules and perhaps some

will fly to the place I go to find solace.

The lights of the stars and planets are one side

The blankness on the other free of the distractions of planets and suns 

ending in a vaguely undulating line,

Beyond which there is darkness without distractions.

No attachments 

No gravity or whatever it is that draws souls into lives

for whatever reasons

A design by a creature unimaginable to us 

And in our ignorance

A vacuum of religions

and scientific theories

filled in by shysters and saints.

They say go to the light... the light.

I go into a tunnel bypassing all of this and head to God

the Relief of having nothing to worry about again

yet still feeling

still knowing your fellow travelers

As one family developing cultures of stories to live within

What fit the laws of survival, commerce..,

When I seek comfort in my mind amidst thoughts attacking me

I pray as always for forgiveness from the sins that come to my mind.

Small and meaningless brushes with a fool to many,

to others a friend.

From my hometown move on I was

a weirdo.

Dropped on my head.

The usual prejudice against the fat kid.

Depression was not my natural state.

I had plenty of reason to grieve 

More than some less than some.

The lot of the losers,

though I worked almost Forty years;

I do not judge others as harsh

As they judge me about some things,

others I do not care.

I apologize to Jim Carrey for making his personal life

A weapon that I used against him

Out of a burst of Anger

Damned up Rebukes,

exploding a life to painting in Hawaii so,

but still, a sermon from the Cardinal on the matter

Reminded me of my sins;

I cannot blame Barbara for any damage our relationship did

and I can.

But my life was planned and I never knew

Found out too late to get to know my grandfather

Anymore than he was a very kind presence

Gave us candy money in their tiny, tiny town.

I have been this formless, shapeless presence

three times in my life.

Once drug induced when I tried to kill myself

and died a few times.

The second spontaneous astral projection...

I needed scientific evidence, 

And spending a year trying to astral project...

This happened during this period.

No other time.

I know my spirit can leave my body.

I met a lonely ghost in the woods.

Waiting for my brothers and I

Dave Gilbert.

The ghost story my brothers and I never discussed.

I have let one die without asking.

I should ask the other... 

who felt he failed

Until he could lord his hundred thousand dollar house

over us.

I do not envy 40 years in a factory.  I had more choices.

He was afraid, or never taught, I don't know?

I do not feel this is a race to the top.

We should start out even.

Tax the rich.

Before the anger repressed

explodes the USA

into a bloody horror.

Should the righteous rise to protect freedom

the gospels

ethics...

May God 

give us peaceful solutions or

Let the martyrs lead us to Justice.

Tired of Being Mired

      There is nothing to do except prepare for the Supreme Court to attempt the Illegal action of taking away the voting rights of black and brown and liberal people and poor people of all persuasions.  Middle class is what everyone thinks they are, but they are lower middle class if that.  They think they are capitalists but they do bot own the company.  So they are workers.  The company knows this well.  You do not own the company, you are not a capitalist.

YOU ARE A WORKER.  This is a class war.  If the economics were equalized, so would the power be passed around, so every one could win in this tact.  Has to be TAXES though.  On the Rich.  If the federal government does not want to do it, the states must.  Let the Blue states be the jewels where people want to live, and make them pay to do so.  WE ARE the culture, the artists -- not the sold out and displayed few fame ones used in the dog and pony show.  I want my people to invest in Illinois for now.  Anything I say is by any means necessary stops at crime.  Before I thought it was possible for my words to have such effects, I tried to be Robin Hood... what the hell, I am sitting here on my ass.  Little did I know what would become of such a thing, until you start asking me if I am a mobster.  I see why you would ask.  I will not allow that to effect my opinion of you.  Or at least my opinion of how OFF YOU ARE IN THINKING you know who I am.

I am the guy who someone tried to get involved in insurance fraud and bitched out a mobster over it.  That is me.  I could have gotten a lot of money and eventually a jail sentence, had I went along.  My morality said NO.  I heard they had blamed someone for an accident I had, in a beat up cab they were retiring in two days... which I did not report, and the cops did not write up.  I learned a year later, when a guy who was my friend and involved, told me they had done this.  Am I repeating myself?  Do you who read this with interest remember?  

I did not judge them because of that.  Just how they treated me.  I learned from Tony that they just were born into these families.  Not bad people because of it.  I just tried to stay out of peoples business, unless they were doing something in front of me, and then I always jumped in.  One night I saw a guy selling what seemed like stolen goods to me.  I had seen this poor guy before, and that is the only way he could have come across such a thing, I figured.   He did not object when I said the stuff was stolen, so I figured I was right.  He wore a blue shirt and had a tool box... never entered my mind.  The pain that was seemingly caused by this incident is displayed now in a statue with her dog.  France.  And her wounded partner.  

The next day I hear bullshit I cannot believe.  A blue shirt.  No, you do not have a right to blame me for this.  Or much.  Criticism from the kettle is something I took once when it made sense.  Most of the time I see what you have to redeem yourself for.  You may believe in nothing, but this nothing believes in you.  Despite all evidence, and to the hatred of the left.  I look at people wondering how much they hate me to this day...  in Chicago maybe they have been able to forget me.  The period has moved on or underground.  I suspect that there is still a power base.  I do not know what it means to believe in me.  Supernatural events are there in my words spoken to you in a mania I barely remember,  Though it is astounding.

I felt it this morning.  Since this has been pointed out to me, about the weather, I successfully made the snow stay at a certain state.  Once ten inches was predicted, my heart jumped and I said no...  the storm missed us.  All the other things.  If it were one, not... too many to count and many I just do not tell you.  Nothing spectacular.  

Whatever is happening my mind recoils from the use of violence.  I do not see the people coming together to fight as easily as they will come together to love one another, and know they can win, because they are the many, no matter what happens in this HUGE country.  Votes while we have them.

Already we are asked to stand by while children are thrown into cages, growing up not learning to speak they are so abandoned from family, teachers, any responsible adults, basically.  Our country does worse, but this is enough.

(2) Post by @notquietmodemd.bsky.social — Bluesky

Why Are The Blacks Staying Away From No Kings Protests

    I read this recently.  Not from the most reliable sources, but I pray to God this is not true.  BLM signs should be in this march.  Strong.  We can only change this regime by working together.  This is for all of our interests.  I am all in on saving the oppressed from acts of Evil.  I will do anything to stop Trump except hate my fellow US citizens.  I am not hating people who are brainwashed.

    I was brainwashed once, perhaps worse than them, or perhaps not?  Most people do not think they are being effected by television, when we hear of people who went Fox and then murdered someone, after seventy years of a peaceful life.  This is absolute evil.

Any influence I have says we stick together.  I do not care if you are rich or poor.  That is mostly how I look at this.  I know other cultures have their view, but this issue is common ground for ninety nine perent of the people.  Tax the Rich.  This matters.  

the lion no longer roars

 a tangled, blood encrusted mane surrounds

 a gasping mouth filled with teeth 

two intelligent eyes

scan the trail ahead.

His tracks leave the blood of others.

we are already copper

We will be judged as copper

Most go to Hell/

Copper unredeemed. 

I come for the murderers, the thieves, the women of the night

Those who reject this world around them and never knew why....

By God or ancestors or Karma or friends and relatives

You will be judged.

There is little fear in this

 though to some comfort that our enemies

who see no consequences will

will not be be let them go

say vengeance is Gods.

Or...

We make it safe to do so.

The Marines who are copper

would save a few tears on my part,

on the day you grunts are judged.

Once I said no one would go to hell

during this epoch.

I was trying to make the deaths easier on me

and you

I could never tell if it was true or a bad rational

I can be wrong.

Will be.  Must be.

This is how your mystery is unveiled to me.

Though I still think of the Mania when I demanded

Blood of a thieving, king to come who crawled over me

to get there.

I knew I had been used for evil by those I met.

Some.

Coming into my life as actors.

James wanting to join the show.

Or what they thought was a show.

I hoped the spiritual stuff was real.

Or at least could be... what came to me 

when I thought about it is hardly scripture to me.

Now. I think of all the people I worked with.  People who thought

I was worse than Trump.

A revolutionary cult gone awry.

Taken from these Heritage hands,

passed unchanged from our racist eras.

I was thinking how once I cheered on a side

That did not have my support.

A war with no need

cherry picked out of words or racial harmony.

Even now pointing out NBC is racist

And wondering how a black host could be involved with them

was taken so wrong...

Along with a professor who was right

Of course but I did not take time to explain

what I was referring to.

I certainly would not want to say I know better.

I do not.

I think of this often...  I saw his face.

The next morning 

to wake up with Trump thinking 

I am a hellion and would want to war with others over skin color.

I will not.  I will not take any side except justice

when you put a side up against a side.

I will NEVER go along with some group

trading genocide for legislation.

When I think of this I know...

If you meshed enough together we 

can concern ninety nine percent winning

is close enough to win win win win win

You want to try a bit more of heaven of earth...

try.

No promises,

No hope is best.

Just do.

Expectations will stop you before you start.

Copper called up.

Thank you warriors of God.

May you present grace and dignity

to our creators eye.

May your Moral Compass be strong

Your righteous anger raging

Not at other humans

At trends we have to end our way,

before they put final nail on the press's coffin.

Dragging Bodies Behind

the white house is

sharks in a pool of blood

 going kill-crazy.

Where are we going on this earth?

into the ground

to become dust

eventually decay as a planet into

bits afloat toward the largest gravitational field available

I left my body.

Twice.

Something exists without molecules

Will leave them when I die.

I od'd  and died six times

My last vision flying out of my body into a red sun.

Very cool feeling that lasted a fleeting instant.

Then I was waking up having almost bitten my tongue in two.

I believe now we die in God's time.

Too many times have I tried to leave this body.

Premonitions perhaps of the torturous life to come?

God's will, will be done.

Now where is the power in this USA

as those I have fought

Knowingly or not

Since this began.

They raped my  mind.

Decided I was Hitler and had to remove that...

Was that a personality inserted inside me,

or me not knowing what your colors meant and wearing brown?

Does not matter.  You cannot change the morality of the one I serve.

You should be terrified of the one I serve.

You should also be much, much, much more terrified of me

than you ever have been

If you believe in God,

and the one you call his son,

because my words bear witness

in the book of life and death

to the sins and grace that determine

which journey a soul has be sent 

to cleanse the hatred keeping them from God. 

Maybe...

I can never be sure of what can be known

and what cannot?

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they are the children of God.  Jesus said.

I like this of course we all know this to be true.  

Those who profit on our wars spend the money 

that could stop our extinction.

Still...  I sit here thinking that if I went to a protest

I would be vilified. 

I do not know my place in this world.

How you see me is now hidden.

The television has changed or gone back to or...

I have no clue what they are doing.  

During this period all I can do

is offer power and praise.

Like the good Bishop on Democracy Now

this morning.

I have always loved him

yet when orange was strong they crossed a line

they kept out blacks and this I will not do.

I wondered when I saw him if he blamed me for that,

because I was an instigator but had no clue

who picked up the gauntlet and all that.

I sit back and watch where things go...

Realizing and trying to accept that I am not qualified 

to say a lot.

I don't want to hurt peoples feelings for the hell of it.

I thought I was at war 

with people who would not stop watching me.

I did not realize what a psycho world you have yet.

Now that I do...

I am sorry that merely making me angry pleases

Certain people.  You have been through more than I know.

I see Adam Sandberg and Conan O'Brian come up on my feed

I know horrible things happened that was called my doing.

I am not going to take responsibility for what others did.

I am going to try to take responsibility for what I have done.

I apologize to Sandler and O'brian.

It doesn't matter how they feel about this to me.

It is not like I know these people,

or have anything that matters to say about them.

They have both made me laugh.

I used Conan as an example.  

But what once bothered me is done.

I will not allow anything to stop me from the truth

though my way of expressing this has to change.

I don't want to bring more violence into this world.

Though I have to stop pretending this does not exist.

I see no way to use violence to get the USA out of their problems.

I see ways this can be done peacefully...

Then I remember a Peacekeeper stopped a mass murderer

from attacking an anti-trump parade.

Horribly killing a person.

So...

I will have nothing to do with it

though an old part of me

that fought so long still spurs

when an infection in society is cured

feels the moment with trepidation. 

Nothing I would ever want.

Did not know the guys name,

though I familiar with the game.

Go in peace... or just go...

I have held my tongue on your Mark Twain awards

Why give you fodder I figure.

You are part of the sickness that took over my life.

You are part of the sickness that is allowing this country to die.

Coming after me when the real enemy

the one I have tried to fight since discovering,

will soon come for you.

I was used

and the trillionaire enslavers have now managed to get a president in.

I knew I was too ignorant to be president, personally....

Figured there were plenty of people more qualified than I am.

Cain and Able

      Able goes off to war, Cain takes over in basic training;  a combination of the two come home.  Most think of the killing as a horror they would hate to see repeated.  Or, I do.  Violence is a necessary act in war.  I, the person who did not understand who was using me, or why?  I do not think this is some plan they have that is working.  I think like always these people are going to lose.  I know they want violence, but if this is not done peacefully, I do not believe it can escalate?

    If I am wrong, it gets me killed or whatever plans if any you have for me.  Trade me for time by sacrificing me to Trump.  Do it if he threatens a nuke some night at 1 am because by three he will be stoned enough to hit the button.  I am kidding.  If he hates me enough to use a Nuke... well, I am not a threat to earthly thrones.  Just not prone to accepting one myself.  When a preacher talks politics, they become a politician.  

 I would rather die than kill, as far as my personal defense goes.  If you are somehow someone who relies on me for defense, in any tiny way, than I will fight for you.  I am copper.  I am no longer in denial.  I did not want this but it happened.  Like enemies.  I wanted a fight so bad for awhile.  Thank God I never instigated but one on purpose... and I will always regret them all, as failures.  I also went along with people I did not understand.  Because I not only believe in equality, I think unless you bring in all kinds of people it will not work.  I will work with my group or whatever.  I thank you.  I am humbled anyone is still around.  White cats.  

I do not care what your or my background is.  If you do, God bless, but I have no culture really, that matters, other than midwest I will treat you how you treat me, kind of thing.  A nice guy, I was once known as.  Then a monster.  In war.  I encouraged this.  I look ridiculous in my memories, bitching at people all the time.  Or wanting them to like me.  Which of course never goes away...  But I am not allowing hate to infect me anymore than I can,  I judge too subjectively.  

I have said angry things that you give people awards for.  Go up against me and win an award.  I am sorry for you, the pain that scarred your minds and emotions so much, that you hate this guy in Chicago for shit the people behind your president did.  And they had to brainwash me to get me all kill kill kill by the way.  No such writing, except in over the top comedy, appeared in my work before this.  I barely had any violence.

So, now I wish to apologize to people for what I did when I was crazy, but I was sane a lot of that time.  Just misinformed.  I was still me.  Just smoked weed and another personality took over.  And perhaps in times of severe stress, like the battles this decade.  I ended up seeing my side lose.  I am not the radical left, they did not survive, sadly.  Could use them now, many of you think, might be right I cannot tell.  I cannot tell if we had kicked him out and took over if I would suddenly find Chinese handlers with guns to my chest giving me orders against my country.  Not a risk I was willing to take.  Rather die.  I did not see Trump using the police as he said as 'my shock troops across the nation.'   I opened that bottle, let the machete wielding genie out of the bottle... odd his place smells of Sulphur and burning flesh.  

I warned you about dictators having an SS.  ICE.  Do you blue know any liberals you would not like to see in camps, relatives or school teachers or whomever the hell.  Maybe your priest or minister?  Any immigrants?  Remember 1/6 when the president cheered on police officers being attacked well.  I will be there on the other side but damn, republicans just made your jobs a lot harder.  All those violent reduction programs in Chicago are labelled DEI or something.  Bunch of shit.  Under Mayor Johnson we have our lowest crime statistics in years.

I made some serious overstatements, the kind that haunt me as I go to sleep, about Daly and Rahm.  They were part of a system that would have ripped them apart had they not went along like way too many people for me to blame anyone.  I did not do what I was accused of.  Unless it was...  but never skin tone. 

 

PISSED OFF.

 TODAY I finally let loose on the humans who have victimized me all these years, making money off of me, keeping me a prisoner with a hood over my head, unable to see what is happening.  What you did to people is in my head playing forever.  I do not deserve this shit.  I accept it and do not believe in revenge, and though I have the impulse, I would never act upon it unless I had a gun and was in the mood.

It was juvenile and stupid though these things needed to be said by someone like me for some reason.  I feel manic this week.  Something inside of me is stirring that is ...  that part of me which is God.  I believe others have this as well.   Mine have consequences or not.   I have been so angry and wanted violence before.  It was pathetic of me.  I expected help.  I could see nothing.  Or, they have manipulated me all these years.   I cannot care at this point.  God created me, or their little fucking plans would have worked.  I would not vote for clinton because she likes pedophiles, or considers them great enough friends to handle their money.  I wanted Sanders like every sane person.

Then when you should have been trying to make nice you have Sarah fucking Silverman calling people idiots for not doing what a hollywood star and all her friends want.   I believe in celebrities using their voices.  But you all went along with my torture.  I stopped yours.  So take your fucking high horses and ride them off a cliff.

 I do not know why you keep watching me.  This is what caused you all this pain, and I have had no control over this.

So Conan O'Brian.   When you really like someone and they accuse you of being a pedophile at the lowest point in your life, it hurts, like he meant it to.  So I want to hurt him back.  Just a few words that bone head will get all self righteous about because his dad was so fucking fascinating.  Glad you had a wonderful life Conan.  Born with your boots on all you have ever done is petty shit like make money and try to get people to be your fans.   No helping the world, no making a difference, nothing...  just making money.   

Adam Sandler I do not care about.   I heard him slamming Palestinians and being all apologetic for the Zionists when they were moving into peoples houses, spraying neighborhoods with raw sewage, torturing people into madness in their prisons.   But Adam was worried about the Olive Growers, who stole the fucking Olives from the Palestinians.   The Zionist Murderers also burned Olive Groves.     I want them all brought down about ten pegs.   Metoo helped but that sure is on the rise again.  The abusive atmosphere of yelling and shit that abuses power buys into the whole SUBMIT OR LOSE your career shit, but I would not expect them to care about that.

Think about all the Hollywood Scandals they all knew about and did nothing.  That is not normal.  The good people in that world are tainted by association.  This is happening, and should not, with Jews over Gaza.  

I do not stereotype in my mind, unless I see people doing something over and over, the same group.  We are going to talk about the summer you interrogated me, and what happened before that.   I pray you can be forgiven for this.  The problem is now, and trying to get SOMEONE TO PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE coming for these kids.  This is why they need to vote, not the old people.  Whether you think so or not you have too much invested in this system to really want things to change, unless they are directly effected.

I could nYot stop yet when David Byrne said you should free me.  So some know I am innocent.  That you just keep me jailed, afraid of what I will do///  well, you fucking should be if you think the rich should not be taxed, people should be kept in cages, even toddlers with no adults...  this is both parties.  The democratic socialists, along with the right underground moves, we can stop this and finally get to work.  We need refugee centers, not concentrate camps.  If we are going to jail people with no criminal record, going thru the proper channels, than people are forced to be criminals.

I want no blood money.  I still believe I am owed a hell of a lot in compensation.  I passed that up once because you brainwashed me and I did not know you had cut peoples arms off.   I remember this and one with a guy leading women in a revolution that was just to get songs about them.  NO.  I was being framed by the people behind trump, two steps, not in the light and those who read this know it but no logic will ever reach you.

I will continue to give orders like today.  I will NEVER give you a hint.  I will never write anything down.  If my words are garbled, fine... they try to kill me Musk you should head off to Mars, only place you are going to be safe.  Someone needs to snatch you, and take control of you.  Soon they will.  You are a fool....

There now this is my response to you in writing.  I am not sorry about what I said about Conan or Adam.  As far as I am concerned they have nothing to do with my world.  I saw the evil hatred in conan, like I did in that home alone shit.  You rewarded him, too. What, you say something bad about me they They give you a prize....  Orange I told you that the movement was peaceful.  Others used the color.  I disavow it, except as a reminder of a real person who has done something with their lives besides make money, and please their senses....   me, nothing new.