Wrath

 I have never quite known all that was done to my mind.  However, anyone who looks at my behavior during the decade or so after should be able to see someone was going to great lengths to destroy my life.  There was the classic brainwashing, however I went manic, and started writing religious poetry just days before that... From people telling me they were taking Hitler out of me, making jokes about it on the radio show.  I wore a borrowed brown hoody and people thought I was a Nazi.  I had no idea they had any power at all anymore?  Let alone different colors meant different things.

They call  this A BUFFALO JAIL in fucking intelligence parlance.  I  was drafted, used, and  my hatred for all the world who seemed to have all these plans for me I evidently blew up....  usually because no one told me what the hell is going on in the world.  I realize now they have a future planned that an ethical person would fight, as I have every fucking evil I have ever come across.

I DO NOT understand why my words seem to have some meaning in your world, though again, I have little idea why at this point.  I an owed big time for what was done to me, but whoever did it, the one percent in the beginning, who had all theses commercials at first saying I was an angel.  I am tired of being considered anything. Human lies fill their holy books.  The wise are also there, some of the sacred.... but if you can take one book and spawn all the different versions of religion, you know that the selectivity used by the churches to push their own agenda is a factor,

I believe in God and Hell.  I also believe in an after life, a soul in  a body.  I astral projected twice.   Other miracles seem to have happened around me as well, but people, by design of the EVIL that created this, tried take others free will and turn it over to me.... or them.

I discover your groups...   which you seemingly think I know about at times.

 

I do not know what actions others took around me.  I never raised a hand, stole a dime, or wanted a president harmed -- I saved them, thinking they would be grateful....  saved the country from people around me who often thought I was their leader, showing once again I have no chain of command.

A year ago hell broke lose when as I went to bed, a group said they had been waiting ten years to start the fires.  After having so many groups claim me who had none of my beliefs, I had this army destroyed, then afterwards went after a country that had done things that needed to be stopped;  I understand there are spies, and I could give a shit...  but what I found was slaughter, child soldiers, etc..

I suppose if you are able to access this you have some knowledge of this situation.  Probably more than I have.  Though the same folk who went after Gnl Butler Smedley came for me, and got a similar response, though much more bloody.  They made a movie Amsterdam that pretends no one knew who the people who tried to get the Most Decorated and respected Marine of his time to go Fascist, though you can find their names, and they are still there.

I have lost all hope for this world surviving the greenhouse effect.  I would start preparing for that now, rather than some pipedream that humans will survive this.  Some have their underground places, et...  most will be left in chaos.

AGAIN, set me free and pay me.  I want seventeen years of a CO'S back pay and full retirement, so I can spend me last few years trying to make the most of a miserable life, which yes, I blame a lot of you for.   I think back to all the times I saved this country and wonder if I was wrong?  

I forgive you all thOugh I may not always appear that way.  Annoyed as hell, yes.  I keep reminding myself life is eternal and this is a miniscule part of time.  Death is the only escape from the horrors my mind and emotions and body.

After this shit life I understand why getting into Heaven takes a lot more than most have.  Why so few are said to be going.

I used to have a hard time believing in hell, then on Good Friday, during a lucid dream, I went into hell.  The timing was odd of course.  Nothing of the sort has happened before.

I feel the waves of hatred people have for me.  How you make sport of me.  Worse, how you use to make money.    I have been objectified, life humans do with almost everyone.  From God to Satan to a demi-God, a spy.....  I fought you, and I am glad you fought the image they portrayed me as, with their LOBSTER crap, etc.  Those who went along were duped.   I feel anger over all this.   The lost lives in this matter....

The only way for me to keep my vow of trying to preserve what bit of a democracy we have, is to stop endorsing candidates.   I am not coming back on line....  just want to set things straight.   I do look forward to meeting you all in spirit.

God bless.

An INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR with unpuzzled CLUEs

I am told it is Orange day by the media, the color coming out of nowhere from the groups whose use of such in the media is a means to pass on the unspoken news to the witting.  

I ask what this means and am told the White Dragon is free.  I think this means me. I believe for a moment that my chains will be released, and this world where I am a star manifests in my personal life.

I never asked for money when I stopped in my cab, maybe helped them change a tire, call a tow, before everyone had a phone and my radio was the only connection to the world outside the often beat half to hell cab's I drove.  You do not ask for money before joining a protest, tying our shirt around a stranger's leg at a car crash to try to stop the blood, straight out of the Boy Scout manual.

Future is being created NOW.  AND THIS IS GRIM FOR A BABE BORON IN 2023.    50 years from now, this country, this world, and leadership, will be dealing with problems well beyond their present ability to do so without DRASTIC ACTION NOW, WHICH AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN... and to be honest, this is already beyond our present ability to stop it, but until we start trying, and dumping money now placed in the military, into preparing for how they will operate domestically when they are needed here.  NOT for some conspiracy laden reason.  To keep order as Climate Change -- THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT, when stripped of Orwellian softening -- sends refuges seeking sanctuary, for awhile around the fresh lakes.  I told you this would be a Sanctuary and this has manifested more and more and as this human geography, free of many of the problems which cause racism to fester even when confronted -- we have proof, in our diversity, that every race and religion can get along.  More and more with each effort.   I miss seeing Black Lives Matter protester's in the street, saw then as people fighting for Justice, regardless of skin tone.  The only real color blindness as person like me can attain is to see where rights are being denied, andelieving all people deserve to be treated the same... unless they became a threat in real life b.

We are making a mine field out of the future.  We pretend what we have will continue but this will not be so.  Only those who begin to now prepare for what is coming will survive as a viable way to bargain for products, in manners that capitol, for the rather short duration it lasts, will be investee in something which will not disappear into this air without a stock market or banks. NOT TODAY, OR until when?   I have no clue the internet and these cameras guarantee that I am never the smartest person in the room.   I am the slave who cannot read and does not understand much of what you say

The Christ On Earth

 ...  or some creature blessed with the ability to maintain my ethics, facing death many times by those who wished to use me to aide in their sins.   I have been crucified on the absurdity of your expectations.  I am whatever I am.  I have been shielded from most of what has been done in this country, though my one example, the path I have taken, shows the existence of the extraordinary, in a manner I could never have imagined in my years as a writer, then ending up, on this tv world, an international superstar kept as a slave, a cash cow.an Ape in a Zoo.  I still am not certain of what a Gorilla means, though I suspect ...

Even my speculations are worthless to write, more misnomers for your amusement.  I have just maintained the same ethics I always had, usually feeling as if God was on my side, fearless, when I placed myself in danger to save others.  You have tapes of the Mexican woman on Campbell and the screaming no neighbors would encounter, but  I did without fear at all.  That is a GOOD example of all the times in the cabs when I stepped up, a guy who worked out a lot and grew up in a neighborhood where the you had to learn to fight, to protect your younger brothers... from kids riled up by drunken bikers on the corner, to attack us.  One was usually our friend.  I was not prone toward violence, and it took a lot, as I grew older, to get me to fight, until at fifteen, and artist and a pacifistic kind of guy, I put up with a lot from a guy, then finally hit him.  When he tried to fight me again I said No...  just knew there was no reason to fight him, and that I would be the better man to walk.  Plus.  I had already won the fight, when my uppercut sent him flying higher than my head...  though he jumped right up, others jumped in to stop it... his friends.

I have never since been afraid of fighting, just figured it was stupid unless I was being physically attacked and that never happened.  Robbed in the cab, theft of surface... too many times to start thinking about, most forgotten.  Others, the interesting ones, I have written of elsewhere.   This is why I could do that job.

I go back now to the first days of this and I saw the news saying Christ had returned, 'The Jews sure are surprised,' said one newscaster.   I loved everyone during this period.  Actually saw the world in a mote of dust in the sunshine gleaming through the window onto my desk...  my mind expanding in ways that I did not know what to chalk up to...  before the brainwashing I was all peace and love and thought everyone was on the same side, had no clue I was part of an industrial take over of the government.  I was in the first month doing the radio show being passed by peace what he said were our sponsors, and all I remember, perhaps, is tobacco companies, which I used as an excuse to smoke again.  This was brought up to me once...  I thought they were going to make us rich.  Still no clue there was a much bigger game in town than I thought.

My odd life...  in the last few years I heard from a Christian army that had been waiting ten years for my orders to attack the USA.  I did not even know they existed, just heard a voice on tv, as I was going to bed, say I have been waiting to light these fires for ten years.'  I flippantly said, 'Go ahead, light your fires.'   You're keeping me ignorant of this matter cost a lot senseless lives, I suspect.  I knew my writing from ten years before, and the racism of some of them, etc...   I set another army on them, when the US Armed Forces did not seem to have the forces, or perhaps the will...  whon the right would want this.   I stopped these people, then had to after the army that did this, while they were exhausted and since I had to drop my cover... and God directed me.  I did not think about what I was going to do, nor did I get what I asked for, I was given what God needed to do his will, and  you who stood up in this last battle, those who are the last soldiers anyone thought would fight for their country, freedom, etc... the under-estimated.  

I have said again and again 'Always appear as weak as possible,' to your enemies.  Let them underestimate you as long as possible.   I used to say to get close enough to kill, before I realized my metaphors of war were being used by others, with agendas I would never share.  Free will is important, especially to those raised like myself, with the dreams of being an artist, and wanting to express myself in some way no one had ever before, as all writers do...  I have listed all my reasons why this aspect of myself worries me.

The other side of this is, I decided after a few incidents where it seemed I could control the weather, and it was reported to me...  not trusting anyone after the things attributed to me, I decided to keep the snow in Chicago under four inches for the winter.   I knew this could not be faked, because I could look out my window and...  no snowfall hit 4 inches.  We got half the water we normally would, and the two snow storm where they forecast 10 inches, my heart jumped, a rare occurance...  I see where I am on the map and then feel myself here and in the storm, which I broke into two streams, flowing around Chicago.  It worked, but people died in Buffalo NY because of too much snow, and Chicago has a drought.  

I proved to myself that I can manipulate the weather if I so wish, but like tinkering with anything you do not understand, there were 'possible' side effects, including deaths.  I have said over and over that I try things once, and if they are real, then I leave them alone.  God reveals things to me for reasons, and I think this is the one I needed to know that I can protect my city with the weather alone, should it come to that....  I have also told myself that if Russia attacks Poland I will do my best to give them the worst winter in their history.   I do not know if I could do that, or would...  I do believe that I need a team of scientists to work on this with me, suggest acts I could do... one day, in twenty years,  a person who can shit hurricanes will be valuable.  I should have off-spring to continue this tradition.   I want them to be bi-racial.  I want to make love to the mother, and she to want to make a baby with me...  but what I want and need....  or what you might need?

 

Only the Force Produced Is Real

 All political formulas are fiction; only the force produced is real.   A comment on the military, foreign policy, etc.  Which seems to apply to all aspects of life.  Faith without works is dead, though most 'works' of the church have NO REDEEMING FACTOR AT ALL, AND INDEED,  WORK INTO THE HANDS OF THOSE WHO HATE RELIGIOUS FREEDOM, AND WOULD HAVE A THEOCRACY TAKE OVER THE USA.  A fascist theocracy, as they all are.  Christians who support guns and hate abortion, try to make decisions for all the world based on their beliefs.  Judge not or ye shall be judged, is a reality now.

The end times war has arrived.  The messenger is the USA.  This is no longer rhetoric, which I shall not involve myself in anymore.  Too many words of hatred and violence have flown from my hands, out into the world, and crowd killed innocent people, caused mass murders that I did not even find out about until later.  This is no longer going to be the case.  I vowed to do everything in my power to make this country a Democracy.  To keep what scraps we have and build on the by taxing the rich, demanding labor have the power they deserve as the actual workers who have the FORCE, rather than steal the force of others.

Slavery has been fought in the USA in a manner never before attempted, using the criminals and others to approach this issue, and make those who would enslave others for sex, household work, etcetera, knn be minimalized.   I have been sold for sex, pornography used of me from cameras that spy on me.  Raped by the eyes of a glazed or enraged many who react to my every word like a bullet, instead of the discourse of a societal critic, a journalism, humanitarian, and messenger of God, to say the very least.  There are many messengers from God in the world, there are many with force in the world, there are NONE who are as effective, liberal, or determined to change God himself from an UNHOLY ICON into the loving creator I know.

The Copper is a reality now, and will only grow, until the thought of breaking one of our rules alone will cause the hardest of men to look around and wonder if they are ready to lose everything they love, and die.   The only mercy during my rule for those who break the laws of stealing free will can be a swift death.  Cults of any sort will be dealt with as an enemy of the state.  After identifying through modern spy techniques sex, emotional, or financial abuse, the groups will be disrupted.  This goes fromt those who are accepted widely to those who hide in holes in the ground, or back wood camps.  The idea of religious freedom is central to this country, and the only way to have this is to keep God out of politics.  The science of ethics is another matter.  A leap of faith into the plans of a Creator we cannot begin to understand is why were given science, because that leap will end in carnage at the base of the cliff.

I am standing down at the moment, though I do not expect my associates to see our situation as anything more or less than an all out war.   Our enemies want one, and we will give them one, though we shall fight with faces hidden by cloaks, then return to our families.  We will fight with those already bloodied doing the killing.  We will not glorify becoming a 'made' man, we will mourn what we have done to another.  I know there are more than enough of us that are covered in righteous blood, friends and family who in most circumstances would have not deserved the death sentence;  however, in war, certain boundaries have to be made.  Within the circle of our core, we will be ethical and this will extend outward.  Not by effort. By example.

The right that was behind my initial kidnapping and brain washing has been messed with for sixteen years, and the left that kept up the charade, and my imprisonment, have also killed.   I am not proud of all of this death,  though without my gaining power things would have gotten worse, and indeed continued on without any hope of saving this world.

SAVING THE WORLD is a vital matter.  There is no leeway..  Our children will not be left with a mess, that leaves you unredeemed and hell-bound.

I have roared my last time and now am in full bore attack of those who would harm the cubs.  I fight with whoever wishes to tame the rabid monsters my predecessors in this kingdom have encouraged. Even if this monster is them.

I cannot choose a side, I have one, a copper penny with Lincoln on the side.  I will fight to my last breath, and my death rattle will be heard across this planet,, joining the chorus of those who have died anonymously in our shadow war.

I   do still believe I am owed an HONEST WAGE for my efforts.  None have done what I have done, and the priceless work I have achieved through extreme sacrifice represents how all veterans are treated, one way or another, and I expect the armed forces to consider this long and hard before they call on me once again.  I always will be there for you, but I do not wish to be a slave in a zoo.  No one should be subjected to this, and the idle problems that develop from assessments which I cannot explain in a few words, are too often used by sources IN WAYS THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE.

You want a King, well a king rules.  A king is not ruled.  A king serves and is served.  This reality is not going to change so I can be your chump, cash cow, etc.  I have stood by groups who had nothing except hatred for me, again and again coming thru for the when I knew enough to act.  I have no need to list the presidents and coups and revolutions I stopped, by being tossed into leadership positions among groups that I know almost nothing about to this day....  This is why the armed forces are my preferred method, though at this point Copper needs cleansing, and that is my legacy.  A group of fighting monks, who take their role, their God, and their reputation as tied into the fate of thhe world.

Three plans that involve no loss of our soldiers, no civilians kills, etc...  and then act.  I have identified the enemy for you every time;   I do not believe exposure makes much difference.  Only force.  Exposure at this point is probably damaging. I have no hope that my situation is ever going to change, though I can certainly tell you that you show no honor by treating me like this, and while you will take orders from me to kill of massive basis, you seem afraid to provide the ONLY ONE WHO DID NOT STEAL to be broke.  This needs to be dealt with.  I wish to have a bit of a life, and have earned as much.  I am giving you a tiny bit of my power, care, and the benefit of the doubt required in a world where vengeance is God's, not man's...

MAYONAISSE AND MALAISE

 I see fascism coming into the USA on all sides, from the changes in electoral votes trumping the people's choice to the supreme court passing freedom destroying laws, which impose a fundamental Christian ethic on the entire country, despite being a very minority opinion.      We cannot allow fascism to have this country anymore than they already do, a line must be drawn, then they have to be knocked back into the corner and beaten to death.

They will accept no defeat except death.  They will not be defeated as long as one of the big shots is in power, and there are plenty of them, throughout the entire voting system.  They are going to make the coup legal, like Hitler did.  Already I have seen atrocities which I once believed unimaginable in this country.  I had written comedy about violence, but seldom used actual violence in my stories.

I have this interest in writing well beyond wish to cony thoughts.  I wish to make actions take place.  Sadly, I am not quite clever enough to know what all their signals mean.  I have to guess.  I have to assume orange means something, though I am not sure what, really?   To me it means revolution, and I have no idea why?   I think it has somethin to do with the Polish revolution?   I have seen it used as Halloween, a sign of violence, after I wrote something that eventually became like a purge.   I am not sure who was purged.   I wrote all kinds of this back then.  I thought we could revolt, not realizing I was playing into someone else's hands, that they had reasons for these revolts that had nothing to do with my values/  How could I trust anyone after all the betrayals I have had?

I cannot trust anyone anymore, not in my reality.  I have to assume most of them are acting, though ny brother in law I think is actually what he seems. A PEDOPHILE.

The Fascists Die and I babble about it

 I have seen all sides of this political spectrum now.  Sixteen years of experiencing the bullshit of both.  I fought against them both. The left only because they were using a foreign countries spies;   traitors, to a country that has a system antithetical to the values of the majority of citizens of the USA.  I think the right and left both use despicable tactics and basically I am done with them both as of now.

There are three main powers in this world supposedly, the USA, China and Russia.  All three are too fascist for my tastes.  All three destroy individualism.  The USA is the least of the three on this one vital point.  FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION is generally left alone on a micro level.  On a Macro level it is as controlled as the other two.

I do not want to mix politics and religion.  Politics is irrelevant in the face of religion.  Religion is immortal.  Politics is the business of rich fascists and power hungry hell hounds, pretty much... or at least they seem to have the most power.  The good guys get beaten or shot down or stay away from it all together.  Idealism dies quick.

I have tried to help this world.  Especially this country.  But my service is conditional NOW.  Before it was unconditional.  I had no idea what was going on for too many years, just fucked with people.  Then I had very real religious experiences that showed me there is more to all of this than this speck of a planet in the middle of nowhere.  So damn important to us at times, down to a hang nail.  That is the micro micro micro version of this reality.  My vision has grown so much larger than this planet,,,  but I cannot hold onto that perspective all the time.  Sometimes I am just a man, curled up in a ball of pain, or rage or grief or loneliness.  I am tired of death. 

Of late my life has gone from being one huge war against the world, using illusions thrust into peoples minds by others and mine, unwittingly, with no fucking clue what the hell is happening.

Now I have enough of a clue to realize my ignorance is larger than I can consider, and no one is ever going to give me more than stupid fucking hints as to what is happening in this world.  I am sick of being ill informed, while making life and death decisions.  Now I turn it over to God and man to wrestle with their angels and demons.  I tried to organize the people who are traditionally the villain's and the armed forces into a singular force based on a CIA model of sorts, but with more faith in humanity and no agenda other than to try to make the world a bit saner.  I was crazy for years from being brainwashed, but that was still not enough to effect my ethics, get me to indulge in the offerings, temptations, etc.

I do not give a fuck about most of it.  I sure as hell think billionaires are useful as allies, because most do not give a fuck about the world, and unless you have financial backing you are going to lose in this country I am in, because that is the fucked up political system they set up.

I want to go straight for the throat. I am sick of the system.  Sick of lies.  I will not lie for anyone except myself.  For the good of the many I will keep secrets, and vows and such are sacred to me, but I am done pretending that this system is going to work, and I am not a revolutionary.  I refuse to be a puppet figure head again.  That is how I feel and that meant using one side against another and then back again, trying to get rid of the evil elements, find the useful warriors with ethics who give a damn about the future, and will kill the right people.  Strategically.  Within the bounds of ethical underground warfare, but whatever above the law game I am involved in with this world is coming to an end this week.

Until I am approached honestly, the world can continue it's suicidal path without my help.  I do not want to destroy the world, and I hate chaos.  I want order, to some degree, with the individual still free.  A country with a good social structure, a mix of socialism and capitalism, like we once had.  Now we have corporations getting most of the benefits, and the people are getting fucked.  That makes me an outlaw in this world.

I will never follow the ridiculous laws of a fascist country, and I will use the criminal element in endeavors though I cannot do crime myself.  If others are already there, then I do not care.  They are going to be judged on high, on the balance sheet of God, if you will.  I have this vision of how to get them out of crime and set up a free world.  I tried to make it come true, and I end up finding out the science shows people have synaptic pathways that are created by SHEER ROUTE REPETITION.  

They tell me I am an international superstar in some kind of jail for crimes they fucking committed, so I finally, after a religious conversion into something of my own making, based on christianity as it was long ago, not as it is now.  As it was when a mild man died to save his people and carry thru a vow God made to the Jews, who said to people to keep things as simple as fucking possible.  Now they have written too many kings words into the holy books for me to see much in them.  Certainly I do not take them in any fundamentalist way, though I do find wisdom there.  I think of them as notes I left to myself these days.  Doesn't matter what they are really.  But I come down to the Golden Rule.  Nothing much else matters to me.

 

the civil war between states of mind

 Right now I feel as if I have once more had to burn bridges to my small isle in this river of blood;  to retain my integrity, and recapture my honesty from the gray world of lies required to infiltrate first the right, then the left.

I am still confused of course between who is the worst.  I am not going to do the least of worst evils thing, both still reek of evil to me. Though since  I lead from the left, they are my choice,  THOUGH for balance to return, I still hold some conservative values;  still believe that family and community are the touchstones of humanity;  I am very tribal, but unless I am the leader, I am a loner.  I will not follow.  I do not like to lead, but I end up being the most qualified, to the degree that I would be walking away from the will of God not to pick up the gauntlet and scream into the sky, world, I am coming for every human on this planet, and you will kneel before my God or my sword.  My God is science, ethics, love, and respect for individuality,  Not your fake, false Christianity, from the writings of men, 

I write scriptures in blood.  I prefer to be a whisp in the wind, that passes a great man or woman and whispers encouragment in their ear.   Or a young knife that dies when the last enemy is gone from the tribe.

Tha I know now that what I thought in the beginning, that people who listened to tme and wanted to work with me, had to be close enough to my ethical beliefs that they would act with honor unto death, was way off... because of my lack of knowledge, and others trying to ride a unicorn -- they ended up on my horn, of course.

I was confused when this started, and still am, though what is clear to me is obvious as hell.  The far right has gone crazy, and they cannot be redeemed.   In the name of God, they blasphemy and go against everything a Creator, who uses evolution, progression, to develop all his creations could want.  I am tired of trying to define myself.  None of that truly matters to anyone except me and my creator. You stand alone in this time, and will stand alone in the timeless place I believe you are going.  I only have science here, primarily, though I could go thru the mystical list over and over again and some of you would still find a way to slip past the idea of God.   I am not sure how you do it anymore, unless I am being tricked, but I have seen too many things happen that could not be in your plans to believe that personally

Too many things have worked out in God's plan, which I took as nothing at the time, or was so filled with the Holy Spirit I cannot even remember what I said.  He will do this, and the state of mind may come again, though I prefer being myself.   I have been chaffing against the chains again.  The lack of love in my life is hurting all the time lately.

I hate to do it, but the only solution I have is to get a couple cats.  I will get kittens from the pound, next Tuesday more than likely, after I get my pills.  I will get the litter and a box on monday, hide them, thenn get the kittens the next day. I always feel guilty getting babies, but eventually they will be older and ...  I want them to live as long as possible, and have the love in the way I train them.  No more yelling, no more raising my voice.   I will feed them carefully this time.   I do not believe the pond still fixes them, but that is best put off a few months anyways.  I will do it to the one at  a time, slowly.   I guess I can call country care and get ubers a long time ahead of time, which I forgot actually.   They say only to doctors offices.   I guess I can just take buses since it is so close.  I will merely be going up to western, which is close to my house,

They tell me I am famous, keep me broke, tell me womyn want to be with me, but I never  see them.  I am with Mary Ann but I do not want the rest of my life to be this sexless sham.   I want a woman who is sensous, and she simply is not.  I also want one who enjoys banter, and can speak on more topics than her day at work.   I have been with her a long time, but I either give up on love in this life or leave her.  I love her as a friend, almost more like a nurse than a lover, and a nurse I do not trust.

I hate to even think about the spy stuff, but she has done things behind my back that make no sense within the context of the person she has shown me.  Especially now that I have killed.  I feel horrible about this, all the way around.    I did not know they would fight, just that they seem to be waiting for me to do somethng, and the people around me were vicious, what I would have once considered inhua, but now knoow to be all too human.

I am not like them.  I do not take any pride in being tough, or anything I have done.  I feel like a terrible loser, who was asked to do an impossible task with no information at all on how to do it.   I am grateful God stepped in and fucked it up everytime, that is for sure,

But now...  where am I?   I critique the police, hoping to help, and people take this as condemnation, which I don't do.  Or when I do, I do not take it very seriously, this is not my right.

I do not know anymore what they want of me. I have shown them I am not a racist, not a traitor, though certain a liberal and a friend to the world, meaning China and left wing countries, in a way no other western leader can compare to.   This may be why they made me out to be a Gorilla going after  a dog in a commercial, showing me throwing dirt at the dogs, not destroying thhem.  It did not escape me the Gorilla was in a zoo being displayed.

I know I cannot give into hatred, and I know I cannot give into human expectations of me.  I also know I must serve God, but I am sure if they treated me better he would treat the better, but they still think I am self-serving, after all I have sacrificed for others in this life.  I know better than to have hopes, dreams, or wants.  They will always find a way to subvert me.  This is why I cannot even tell Mary Ann I a getting cats,, because she will try to tell me we cannot afford them, when in truth of course we can.  We eat all this fancy food because that disgusting beast lives with us, but supposedly he is gettng social security, which i do not really believe, but I cannot care.  I have given then all my money forever, and now have quit smoking cigarettes and pot, which should be saving us a ton of money, but she claims still we are broke all the tine.   I got them to quit ordering out, but what is the point?  

I am getting the cats no matter what they do.   I will call and get  a ride and a pick up, and if the pick up will not take me home with the kittens, I will et on the bus.  It is that simple.   They cut the price to 65 bucks, so they are the least expensive in the city, though they will not be fixed more than likely.   I can't wait.  A week from today.   I do not know what to do with all her crap, other than put it in garbage bags.  I know she wants it all laying out so she can get to anything but I do not care.  I will try to get her to work on this this weekend, but she will not, so once I have the kittens, maybe she will get her shit together.

I am so tired of living with her that I know I would be better off with Larry, but then I would probably snort heroin or something.  I just wish I could find a successful woman who understands the governnebt simply will not pay me, for reasons OF MY NOT BECOMING EVIL..

I really was an idiot for having any dreams and hopes.  I even had this stupid idea that DREW BARRYMORE would somehow save me after I expressed my attraction to her.  We could have a baby with the egg of a black woman who could be a co-mother.  I would rather concieve with love making for some reason, but that is probably pure romance and lust.  I do love the skin of black women.  I do not have a fetish, but...  the ones I have been with, that was a very attractive feature,  I would have stayed with the one, but they would have probably killed her.   The hot one who lived beside us on Greenleaf was a spy...  God knnows I wanted her..

I still think about the woman I met in the hospital.  Early on, right after the brainwashing, maybe during that visit.  She told me I talked more about the dog than my girlfriend.   I wanted to leave Mary Ann after a few months, as soon as I saw her temper.  I was acting like an ass, though, so...  but all the yelling all the tine closed my heart to her.  Not to mention I spent the year wanting to kill myself.   I was taking way too many pills, all at once when I got them.  Seizures were all caused by that.   I put her through so much, I am glad it was her job to be with me or I would feel even worse.

I cannot even begin to fathom how I feel about the people who died in these wars..  I did not want that, but for some reason I believed that this country could come around, but the enemies of God have this earth, it seems to be their realm.