Right now I feel as if I have once more had to burn bridges to my small isle in this river of blood; to retain my integrity, and recapture my honesty from the gray world of lies required to infiltrate first the right, then the left.
I am still confused of course between who is the worst. I am not going to do the least of worst evils thing, both still reek of evil to me. Though since I lead from the left, they are my choice, THOUGH for balance to return, I still hold some conservative values; still believe that family and community are the touchstones of humanity; I am very tribal, but unless I am the leader, I am a loner. I will not follow. I do not like to lead, but I end up being the most qualified, to the degree that I would be walking away from the will of God not to pick up the gauntlet and scream into the sky, world, I am coming for every human on this planet, and you will kneel before my God or my sword. My God is science, ethics, love, and respect for individuality, Not your fake, false Christianity, from the writings of men,
I write scriptures in blood. I prefer to be a whisp in the wind, that passes a great man or woman and whispers encouragment in their ear. Or a young knife that dies when the last enemy is gone from the tribe.
Tha I know now that what I thought in the beginning, that people who listened to tme and wanted to work with me, had to be close enough to my ethical beliefs that they would act with honor unto death, was way off... because of my lack of knowledge, and others trying to ride a unicorn -- they ended up on my horn, of course.
I was confused when this started, and still am, though what is clear to me is obvious as hell. The far right has gone crazy, and they cannot be redeemed. In the name of God, they blasphemy and go against everything a Creator, who uses evolution, progression, to develop all his creations could want. I am tired of trying to define myself. None of that truly matters to anyone except me and my creator. You stand alone in this time, and will stand alone in the timeless place I believe you are going. I only have science here, primarily, though I could go thru the mystical list over and over again and some of you would still find a way to slip past the idea of God. I am not sure how you do it anymore, unless I am being tricked, but I have seen too many things happen that could not be in your plans to believe that personally
Too many things have worked out in God's plan, which I took as nothing at the time, or was so filled with the Holy Spirit I cannot even remember what I said. He will do this, and the state of mind may come again, though I prefer being myself. I have been chaffing against the chains again. The lack of love in my life is hurting all the time lately.
I hate to do it, but the only solution I have is to get a couple cats. I will get kittens from the pound, next Tuesday more than likely, after I get my pills. I will get the litter and a box on monday, hide them, thenn get the kittens the next day. I always feel guilty getting babies, but eventually they will be older and ... I want them to live as long as possible, and have the love in the way I train them. No more yelling, no more raising my voice. I will feed them carefully this time. I do not believe the pond still fixes them, but that is best put off a few months anyways. I will do it to the one at a time, slowly. I guess I can call country care and get ubers a long time ahead of time, which I forgot actually. They say only to doctors offices. I guess I can just take buses since it is so close. I will merely be going up to western, which is close to my house,
They tell me I am famous, keep me broke, tell me womyn want to be with me, but I never see them. I am with Mary Ann but I do not want the rest of my life to be this sexless sham. I want a woman who is sensous, and she simply is not. I also want one who enjoys banter, and can speak on more topics than her day at work. I have been with her a long time, but I either give up on love in this life or leave her. I love her as a friend, almost more like a nurse than a lover, and a nurse I do not trust.
I hate to even think about the spy stuff, but she has done things behind my back that make no sense within the context of the person she has shown me. Especially now that I have killed. I feel horrible about this, all the way around. I did not know they would fight, just that they seem to be waiting for me to do somethng, and the people around me were vicious, what I would have once considered inhua, but now knoow to be all too human.
I am not like them. I do not take any pride in being tough, or anything I have done. I feel like a terrible loser, who was asked to do an impossible task with no information at all on how to do it. I am grateful God stepped in and fucked it up everytime, that is for sure,
But now... where am I? I critique the police, hoping to help, and people take this as condemnation, which I don't do. Or when I do, I do not take it very seriously, this is not my right.
I do not know anymore what they want of me. I have shown them I am not a racist, not a traitor, though certain a liberal and a friend to the world, meaning China and left wing countries, in a way no other western leader can compare to. This may be why they made me out to be a Gorilla going after a dog in a commercial, showing me throwing dirt at the dogs, not destroying thhem. It did not escape me the Gorilla was in a zoo being displayed.
I know I cannot give into hatred, and I know I cannot give into human expectations of me. I also know I must serve God, but I am sure if they treated me better he would treat the better, but they still think I am self-serving, after all I have sacrificed for others in this life. I know better than to have hopes, dreams, or wants. They will always find a way to subvert me. This is why I cannot even tell Mary Ann I a getting cats,, because she will try to tell me we cannot afford them, when in truth of course we can. We eat all this fancy food because that disgusting beast lives with us, but supposedly he is gettng social security, which i do not really believe, but I cannot care. I have given then all my money forever, and now have quit smoking cigarettes and pot, which should be saving us a ton of money, but she claims still we are broke all the tine. I got them to quit ordering out, but what is the point?
I am getting the cats no matter what they do. I will call and get a ride and a pick up, and if the pick up will not take me home with the kittens, I will et on the bus. It is that simple. They cut the price to 65 bucks, so they are the least expensive in the city, though they will not be fixed more than likely. I can't wait. A week from today. I do not know what to do with all her crap, other than put it in garbage bags. I know she wants it all laying out so she can get to anything but I do not care. I will try to get her to work on this this weekend, but she will not, so once I have the kittens, maybe she will get her shit together.
I am so tired of living with her that I know I would be better off with Larry, but then I would probably snort heroin or something. I just wish I could find a successful woman who understands the governnebt simply will not pay me, for reasons OF MY NOT BECOMING EVIL..
I really was an idiot for having any dreams and hopes. I even had this stupid idea that DREW BARRYMORE would somehow save me after I expressed my attraction to her. We could have a baby with the egg of a black woman who could be a co-mother. I would rather concieve with love making for some reason, but that is probably pure romance and lust. I do love the skin of black women. I do not have a fetish, but... the ones I have been with, that was a very attractive feature, I would have stayed with the one, but they would have probably killed her. The hot one who lived beside us on Greenleaf was a spy... God knnows I wanted her..
I still think about the woman I met in the hospital. Early on, right after the brainwashing, maybe during that visit. She told me I talked more about the dog than my girlfriend. I wanted to leave Mary Ann after a few months, as soon as I saw her temper. I was acting like an ass, though, so... but all the yelling all the tine closed my heart to her. Not to mention I spent the year wanting to kill myself. I was taking way too many pills, all at once when I got them. Seizures were all caused by that. I put her through so much, I am glad it was her job to be with me or I would feel even worse.
I cannot even begin to fathom how I feel about the people who died in these wars.. I did not want that, but for some reason I believed that this country could come around, but the enemies of God have this earth, it seems to be their realm.
