The Noose Around My Neck

     After a lost battle...  which the enemy thought was a lost war,   I was once asked, long ago, why I walked around with my chest puffed out.  I replied, "As long as I am alive I am winning."   They really thought it was over.  I told them that and now twenty years later, they are long gone and I am still solicited to help with the resistance... the guy who knows peaceful resistance will work.  The one who has seen too many guns and revolutionaries and death and mass graves...  does not want to ignorantly draw blood.   PEACEFULLY WORKING THROUGH THE ISSUES... or join the corpses rotting around me.  

     All I knew back then was that some group had messed with my life.  Telling the world this dangerous creature would now rule the world?  The absolute confusion, coupled with the brain washing of Jesus into my head, which led me further away from whatever plans these were.  I have always strived to be moral and am instinctually in most situations, and angered by injustice.  Add to this possible divine powers and my head was one huge mess.   But I have not been defeated.

Twenty years later, after I told you I was going to end up surrounded by an ever increasing pile of bodies if you attacked me.  Sadly, misinterpreted. violence of the most vile kinds manifested. I do all I can to bring peace between all people, though in Chicago I got to be friends with a lot of black people, and meet THOUSANDS DRIVING CAB which is intimate at night in the big city.  Heard stories.   To hear of this kind of strife, and know that this is probably happening already.  I keep seeing the power is yours, play hard ball. Do the words mean...

They are not random I have seen mostly.  I thank again all the messengers and humbly bow to your efforts, and apologize sincerely for your pain.  The part I had in it ignorant or not does not make much emotional difference, same acidic, pit of guilt.

I once had way too much influence.  What bit I still have has to be used in ways only professionals know.  I am not lying to any of you anymore.  No reason to.  I am following the law and the last thing I want is to influence someone to hurt someone else or themselves.   My thoughts are all about how to avoid violence.  If violence comes I leave that to the professionals.  

Though I will never abandon Chicago and that means everyone.  I will never abandon my ethics, and that means I will never abandon even an enemy.  Christianity allows me to hope for redemption.  Before I felt a fire from God fill me when I preached for blood. I was trying to correct troubles that I had noticed over the years, while I could, on some level.   Though I surprised myself.  I did not feel like me at all, and ...  .  I do not expect this again.  I have become something else.  Now I will act silently and effectively as possible at giving people hope, spiritual direction, and reasons to carry on the curing of the diseases mental and physical that plague our land.

I am guilty.  There is no other verdict.  I am just not sure what I am guilty of?  Being a guy who got brainwashed, over and over, by a group that wanted...  whatever.  Others would say Murder.  Mass Murder.  The ones I found about afterwards.  Lord, do not do that to me again.  I know you are there, but we must 

Does anything I write matter

I have been wondering that lately....

The Fascists Are Closing In

      They have caste the net of the media, the anti-Christ fishing for souls...  modern version has Trump blowing up boats that have not proven to have any connection to drug dealing.  One was just a fisherman whose wife and son miss him.   This is Trump preparing to go to war to take Oil, which should be left in the ground, from a country which the Armed Forces outguns.  This could be solved peacefully, Maduro could be asked to make changes, their money released.  This would have stopped the refugees that flooded the states seeking asylum.... which the USA is constitutionally required to offer.

Trump has turned the constitution into a rug to wipe your feet on.  Something they get together and heterosexually all pee on together.   No one knows, they just put up a fake from the Trump Store at the White House in place of the real one...  one night when Trump got mad at it, after he spilled some special sauce from his big mac on the constitution, and couldn't lick it all up.  He could see a stain, which meant some was still there.  He was going to eat it but he was handed another Big Mac.  Still they had to let him 'pretend truth social' about hating the constitution until the sleepy shot hits.

Later, they told him he had ordered this was going to be 'their secret' and how they owned the libs, just like he wanted.  Trump loves hearing his great ideas told to him. All kinds of smart people in industry do, then give him money.

If you know what I have done, you despise me perhaps.  You have my profound apologies, and if there is anything I can do to redeem myself in your eye, you have only to ask...  I may say hell no...

At this point the past in not what worries.  June worries me.  They are going to take away the Democracy, with an illegally ruling Supreme Court.  This has to be stopped.  I cannot imagine the world they are imagining these racist actions will lead to?  Folk like myself will do what we can.  How you see me?  I understand you have seen the supernatural, and seen me used by God.  I am still baffled by the prophecies all coming true around me.  Now, in my stories, told from an unconscious have oddly come true, though not in ways I would have even imagined.  Trumpland.  I had forgotten that this was the time when Ralph rises and figures out a way to peacefully stop Trump and fix things up.

I am surprised how much of it came true.  I look at his and wonder WHY was I believed to be this creature by all these people?   A creature I did not even believe in most of my life.  Now, in the past I recklessly used fear and stripped people of their dignity with my judgements.  Judgements made from far away and based on the dubious reporting

Were I to finish that story, I would have Ralph realize he was part of Jesus as they were all part of something greater, which he likes, having always been slightly embarrassed he could do miracles.  Set him apart.  During the drive he would be told that his followers were losing their minds by the accidents.  Oh, God I can hardly think of this, and what happened.  The brainwashing left me with no logic, and no idea the power of my words.  Or the powers of being to manipulate the weather.  God has blessed me again and again.  

Though I believe my time has come to ask those who know to know.  I saw this coming as well.  Saw the rift between here and the East Coast liberals.  We have the most people, and must come together to stop Trump, and charge him with Insurrection.  This would cause his administration to be arrested for collusion, and many others.  If the Government has finally truly and utterly turned on us, and they are certainly showing signs this could happen.... they no are no longer legitimate.  Take away black and brown votes, gutting the voting rights act, will cause chaos.  Rage.  War.  Riots.  Or...  I do not know.  I am part of no underground that I know of now.

I am always humbled when one of you does something to protect me, or the Cardinal or others communicate.  Democracy Now.  I apologize for the burden I have placed upon you.  I am sorry I have not shown the proper respect for your pain.  I pray each night to be forgiven, for me, me, me....  all day I pray for you.  I think only of my sins, so I try to avoid those thoughts that blast into my mind.  I think of the Bishop turned away from a movie on Christmas, with his mother.  Orange.  Unless you are working with the blacks, the Mexicans, liberal whites, and true conservatives who want the constitution, and know it's purpose was not to make Kings who scoop up the starving at the gate to make soylent green to serve their slaves.

I cannot knowingly fight on an unjust side.  I will fight like a God  (I have no weapons other than prayers and FRIENDSHIP earned by proving I will give my life to fight injustice.  However, how I reconcile this with saying stop slavery by taxing people, the rich.  Then of course people attempted to once again think they could define me as racist, or predatory.  God seemed to have stepped in.  I see things happen and feel no agency.  What the Simpsons showed me about Orange was the opposite of what I wanted.  I wanted peaceful marches.

WE GOT THEM... now they need to be aimed.  Now the crowds nurtured on peaceful community with law enforcement, can begin to publicly demand a trial for the President and his cohorts in an Insurrection.. 

Dying Over

     I know I will die before giving up my morality -- an idea that some says means nothing in their minds.  Though without Moral people, they would not exist.  People like them, would have killed each other off long ago.  I have worked with such killers in my time.  I cannot imagine the worlds they inhabit, that NEVER 'SEEM' to mind killing large numbers of people.  I would not have involved myself in such a world, but I was drafted, then thrown into a war, made even more than a general, a God Emperor...

I looked for an agent but I never suspected they were using me as one, to do acts I would fight against with my life.  What was done to Jews in Chicago was never explained to me, though I knew one innocent man whom I had nothing except love and respect for, who treated me so well...  who you burned.  A fucking lobster toy put out is taken as a form of torture.  I would never hurt someone physically, or wish to harm, someone over their religious beliefs.  That is to me, kind of their own business, unless they wish to share it, then I am an interested student in most areas of ethics.   I hated this could happen in my name.

Once someone names Walt told me this was my mess and I needed to clean it up, after I found out the truth of what was happening, by humiliating even worse than I ever had, though people made clear they were watching everywhere.  I did not think all these people were watching.  I regret that act for the ...  actions that took place afterwards.  But if this had not happened, I would not have been interrogated, asked about all this shit I was hearing about for the first time.  All these accusations, or acts that would not enter my mind, let alone order done to another person.  This is not me.  So I was fighting before that for a race...  but I will not fight as a white person, some huge majority or not, I will fight as a just person.  I have to.  I have always been like this.  BUT I DO NOT EXPECT to tell people how to live.

I love the cultures you have.  I am not here to change your religions, to be worshipped as your God.  I am here to perhaps remind you of what your religion means.  That there are great parts.  There are also traps of religiosity, that lead to a zealotry that can make sins even of murder seem morally acceptable.  Other than being forced to kill in a war zone, or as I have, due to what I believed would help this country.  The people who died caused me ten days of feeling like this attack was needed, to break a spy ring, which would not work for this countries interests, in the end....  I needed a break that would prove to the world that I was not a spy.  That the left were not these foreign influenced entities.  And I needed the tactics used to be shown in the light of what I expected from a soldier....  after all these years.  

All of these horrors in the last few years, that I heard about.  The cult, which I bow before, and say I wish I had been there for you.  I would never have been what they told you.  They are making money off of me even now, or... you would have heard me say that my plan did not know who the players were.  I was not trying to lead you.  You thought I did.  I hated seeing my life, which I was trying to live despite you...

This is why I trust you only to a certain degree, as one . .   in my  mind, I can only tell the difference between your professed political beliefs.  Right now the right wing seems to be taking over all these things, though I am netflix which has shown leftist beliefs, getting Warners may be good.  What do I know?  I am the guy who ends up in prison all the time.  During the election I saw them flashing Manson with the word Chaos, in red over his bearded face.   

I guess I write now from a podium of bones.  Not that I have much choice in the matter, it seems at times.  I am at this point writing and wondering why I put up a Hart when I do not know what they stand for.  I always think of the time David Letterman had a heart attack and I had no idea that had a thing to do with me or I would have stopped it.  I never even figured out why they decided to attack him?  This was usually the case.  With the exception of the things I preached against, wanting only to change a few peoples ways of thinking, but never force people to do anything at all.

I do not think this is healthy.  No one needs that kind of leadership.  Maybe that is where God comes in to certain types, such as myself, where their morality, from the DNA of the creator, is strong in me, and causes physical manifestations.  I am not the attention whore you wanted.

I do not know what to do other than write?  I just wish I could tell if I am on the right side or not...???

I want peace.  I do not want Trump.  Taxes need to rise, a lot, and the IRS tripled.  Right there we can help in ways people will not vote away from.

I will never be able to run for president, or be your leader openly perhaps... I mean, am I hated like that?  Feared?  I know you fear me.  You fear God.  His wrath is real I have learned.  As I felt it coursing through my body, a feeling like speed, with the resolve of battle, to die if this goes wrong, whatever...

A mr pibb commercial comes on and I think about my friends story Dr Pepper, which I ignorantly and crassly and stupidly did not read.  Told me he knew.  Maybe he was trying to tell me. Certain things I did set off kids to use pepper spray.  No, never.  You were going to sweep this under the carpet, blame me and throw me in this jail forever.  A Gorilla in a zoo.  

Or an Angel or 'SOMETHING' that lives a life imposed on me.  I was used by people too powerful to punish, so you came after me, and then I came after you.  I was childish.  Takes a lot to learn.  I cannot take the celebrities who disdain me seriously.  Such a side issue.  A non issue in this world.  No one deserves to be pointed out and stoned by my words.  Only their behavior, and then let the stones fly.

The man you think meant a phrase literally about total war for total peace.  I meant peaceful war... not, war, war...  Had I known people were going to take me seriously, I never would have said this.  I would have written as I do now.  Though one thing is missing from the now writing.

The idea of violence refuses to enter my mind, against anyone.  My mind is repelled.  I once tried to write a book about this revolutionary Christ, so stupid.  The subtle war between the Christ and the Anti-Christ is on line, for the thinking of the world.  As the Climate Changes force waves of refugee's seeking land to keep from drowning.  I do not envy the world a babe born today will go through.  IN the seventies I said with the population explosion I should never have kids.  I am glad I did not pass alcoholism to a child, would certainly have been heart breaking.

I saw on the television two uses of heart, one of babyheart giving babies botulism, and something else, right after I wrote about something, universal love for humanity, of a sorts.  Something one says and feels and is true. 

I let others call me a hart.  I still do not know what they stand for.  I am accepted or not.  Yes, it concerns me.  I do not want to do harm... pretty much.

Do no harm.  Just that would be such an improvement for me.