i never got to apologize

       I long ago lost interest in myself.  

Found all these characters I could play in fiction.

Using first person.

Making fun of the untrustworthy narrator; me.

I thought the fiction was obvious

I advertised a radio show in a mania.

Intent of arriving with a bang.

Starting a movement that would have a huge following,

I was ignorant I would have opposition,

Let alone the law for an ally.

Though I had never had a problem other than weed

which was mental stress, 

which never amounted to anything

because of the color of my skin 

I was not assumed to be a criminal.

And a lot of other signs the police saw.

There was no having to prove I was one of the good ones.

There was no record because the war on drugs jailed blacks,

when they just as well could have gotten 

possession charges on more whites we knew.

Old knowledge to some,

Others see more criminality in a skin tone.

I have been both stereotyped as angel and demon.

A Godling my metaphors read.

I was not humble enough before the vastness

surrounding this tiny bit of mind out in the middle of cosmic nowhere

or everywhere?

The delusions of man brainwashed into my romantic,

Overly scientific mind;

I stereotyped religious people as the southern Baptist fanatics.

I had never actually met in person.

Church people seemed kind to me.

I had no overtly preached reason to be sent to hell.

I never believed such things about gay people or drinkers or...

I have aspired to be a non-violent man.

All the fights in my youth gave me a confidence

that needed no proving to myself.

Trust in God meant 

Rushing in and saving people,

Stopping a crime where I would have let the guy go,

But he was a drunk kid.

Got off.

Saw him in court looking miserable,

Hope he learned a lesson about booze and himself.

I looked at the TV and said I love you.

To ALL CHILDREN,

NONE WHOM I COULD EVER HATE.

Nor could I hate your parents though if they hurt you...

I would save you if I could.

TO TELL ANY HUMAN GOD HATES THEM IS HERETICAL!

You do not speak TO OR FOR GOD.

What was done to children reminded me of being molested.

I have never described it to another human being except vaguely.

Do not think because I criticize something about your parents

means I hate them either.

I told them no matter what color or country or...

I love them.

I mean these words.

I FELT THESE WORDS

still do in a place not so desperate and pleading

for you to know I am on your side.

“The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; and I am beginning to suspect that whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality.”

― James Baldwin

 I AM trying to work for the good of the all.

Which includes those who think they are my natural enemies.

I do not want anyone thinking we are enemies.

We have issues.

I want groups to discover we are all on the same iceberg

Trying to fight fire with fire as it shrinks everyday

from our endless wars.

The iceberg is so crowded

People around the edges lose their precarious spots

Once safe in the center of the herd,

their climate denial not stopping the loss of their land.

Melted away,

Each inch lost pushes people off the packed isle of ice into harsh cold seas

Where thirty feet of freezing waves

slaps the misery from them

leaving behind ...

a formless shapeless presence

From there guesses fill Cathedrals, Mosques, Store fronts, Cults in Utah 

with lots of guns and heads filled with wanting

the apocalyptical ending they preach of...

I think perhaps the creature will be 

Baffled?  Euphoric?  Misery?

In my visions we are heading toward a tunnel out of here

from time and molecules and perhaps some

will fly to the place I go to find solace.

The lights of the stars and planets are one side

The blankness on the other free of the distractions of planets and suns 

ending in a vaguely undulating line,

Beyond which there is darkness without distractions.

No attachments 

No gravity or whatever it is that draws souls into lives

for whatever reasons

A design by a creature unimaginable to us 

And in our ignorance

A vacuum of religions

and scientific theories

filled in by shysters and saints.

They say go to the light... the light.

I go into a tunnel bypassing all of this and head to God

the Relief of having nothing to worry about again

yet still feeling

still knowing your fellow travelers

As one family developing cultures of stories to live within

What fit the laws of survival, commerce..,

When I seek comfort in my mind amidst thoughts attacking me

I pray as always for forgiveness from the sins that come to my mind.

Small and meaningless brushes with a fool to many,

to others a friend.

From my hometown move on I was

a weirdo.

Dropped on my head.

The usual prejudice against the fat kid.

Depression was not my natural state.

I had plenty of reason to grieve 

More than some less than some.

The lot of the losers,

though I worked almost Forty years;

I do not judge others as harsh

As they judge me about some things,

others I do not care.

I apologize to Jim Carrey for making his personal life

A weapon that I used against him

Out of a burst of Anger

Damned up Rebukes,

exploding a life to painting in Hawaii so,

but still, a sermon from the Cardinal on the matter

Reminded me of my sins;

I cannot blame Barbara for any damage our relationship did

and I can.

But my life was planned and I never knew

Found out too late to get to know my grandfather

Anymore than he was a very kind presence

Gave us candy money in their tiny, tiny town.

I have been this formless, shapeless presence

three times in my life.

Once drug induced when I tried to kill myself

and died a few times.

The second spontaneous astral projection...

I needed scientific evidence, 

And spending a year trying to astral project...

This happened during this period.

No other time.

I know my spirit can leave my body.

I met a lonely ghost in the woods.

Waiting for my brothers and I

Dave Gilbert.

The ghost story my brothers and I never discussed.

I have let one die without asking.

I should ask the other... 

who felt he failed

Until he could lord his hundred thousand dollar house

over us.

I do not envy 40 years in a factory.  I had more choices.

He was afraid, or never taught, I don't know?

I do not feel this is a race to the top.

We should start out even.

Tax the rich.

Before the anger repressed

explodes the USA

into a bloody horror.

Should the righteous rise to protect freedom

the gospels

ethics...

May God 

give us peaceful solutions or

Let the martyrs lead us to Justice.

Tired of Being Mired

      There is nothing to do except prepare for the Supreme Court to attempt the Illegal action of taking away the voting rights of black and brown and liberal people and poor people of all persuasions.  Middle class is what everyone thinks they are, but they are lower middle class if that.  They think they are capitalists but they do bot own the company.  So they are workers.  The company knows this well.  You do not own the company, you are not a capitalist.

YOU ARE A WORKER.  This is a class war.  If the economics were equalized, so would the power be passed around, so every one could win in this tact.  Has to be TAXES though.  On the Rich.  If the federal government does not want to do it, the states must.  Let the Blue states be the jewels where people want to live, and make them pay to do so.  WE ARE the culture, the artists -- not the sold out and displayed few fame ones used in the dog and pony show.  I want my people to invest in Illinois for now.  Anything I say is by any means necessary stops at crime.  Before I thought it was possible for my words to have such effects, I tried to be Robin Hood... what the hell, I am sitting here on my ass.  Little did I know what would become of such a thing, until you start asking me if I am a mobster.  I see why you would ask.  I will not allow that to effect my opinion of you.  Or at least my opinion of how OFF YOU ARE IN THINKING you know who I am.

I am the guy who someone tried to get involved in insurance fraud and bitched out a mobster over it.  That is me.  I could have gotten a lot of money and eventually a jail sentence, had I went along.  My morality said NO.  I heard they had blamed someone for an accident I had, in a beat up cab they were retiring in two days... which I did not report, and the cops did not write up.  I learned a year later, when a guy who was my friend and involved, told me they had done this.  Am I repeating myself?  Do you who read this with interest remember?  

I did not judge them because of that.  Just how they treated me.  I learned from Tony that they just were born into these families.  Not bad people because of it.  I just tried to stay out of peoples business, unless they were doing something in front of me, and then I always jumped in.  One night I saw a guy selling what seemed like stolen goods to me.  I had seen this poor guy before, and that is the only way he could have come across such a thing, I figured.   He did not object when I said the stuff was stolen, so I figured I was right.  He wore a blue shirt and had a tool box... never entered my mind.  The pain that was seemingly caused by this incident is displayed now in a statue with her dog.  France.  And her wounded partner.  

The next day I hear bullshit I cannot believe.  A blue shirt.  No, you do not have a right to blame me for this.  Or much.  Criticism from the kettle is something I took once when it made sense.  Most of the time I see what you have to redeem yourself for.  You may believe in nothing, but this nothing believes in you.  Despite all evidence, and to the hatred of the left.  I look at people wondering how much they hate me to this day...  in Chicago maybe they have been able to forget me.  The period has moved on or underground.  I suspect that there is still a power base.  I do not know what it means to believe in me.  Supernatural events are there in my words spoken to you in a mania I barely remember,  Though it is astounding.

I felt it this morning.  Since this has been pointed out to me, about the weather, I successfully made the snow stay at a certain state.  Once ten inches was predicted, my heart jumped and I said no...  the storm missed us.  All the other things.  If it were one, not... too many to count and many I just do not tell you.  Nothing spectacular.  

Whatever is happening my mind recoils from the use of violence.  I do not see the people coming together to fight as easily as they will come together to love one another, and know they can win, because they are the many, no matter what happens in this HUGE country.  Votes while we have them.

Already we are asked to stand by while children are thrown into cages, growing up not learning to speak they are so abandoned from family, teachers, any responsible adults, basically.  Our country does worse, but this is enough.

(2) Post by @notquietmodemd.bsky.social — Bluesky